


Luck.

by luminous_nyght



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik/Liam Payne - Fandom
Genre: Hate me, I got into Doctor!Liam and Artist!Zayn, M/M, but it's so angsty I teared up writing it, it's sad ok, just so you know, kidfic!, till it isn't, um TRIGGER WARNING
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 01:29:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4040461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminous_nyght/pseuds/luminous_nyght
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re over thinking again aren’t you. I can just about feel it.” Liam says kissing his cheek. “Stop.”<br/>“But I nearly ruined it.”<br/>“You did no such thing. Zayn –”He takes hold of his head with both hands and tilts it up – making it so he’s gotta look at him. Liam smirks, “first off don’t pout like that.” He says as he leans in further, “secondly – it’s your nature to question things – that was perfect ok, just believe that.”<br/>“I love you.” It’s out before he can hold his tongue, his teeth automatically biting down on his lips – he shouldn’t have said that.<br/>“Say that again.” Liam’s saying however. “Say that again and never stop saying it.”<br/>“Are you sure?”<br/>“How sure are you that I love Zarah?”<br/>“Very.”<br/>“It’s the same for you, now shut up and kiss me into tomorrow morning.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Luck.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you guys, it's been a while since I've really posted anything. This fic has been hidden away for about a year. I had written around 7k and left it standing while real life took over. This is for Sam because you've never ever in about 3 years wavered from the support you gave me when it came to my writing.  
> Most of this is very personal to me, It's sad until it isn't - sometimes you just need to learn to live day by day. This is for anyone out there that has ever felt like a burden. I love you.

He hears his alarm squealing loudly and through his semi conscious state, Zayn can’t quite find the courage to touch his phone, which would mean bright lights right in his retinas, which would mean a swift and uncomfortable goodbye to his peaceful slumber.

 

He doesn’t do waking up at ungodly hours, even if he does wake up for the morning salat. If his sixteen year old self was looking right now, he’d be laughing in his face, because when does Zayn Malik suddenly wake up _for work_ in the middle of the night. He scrunches his face into the pillow; he’s not ready to get up yet but he’s got a placement at this fancy city hospital for 10 months. At 19 it was an honour to be asked to design and create a new ward for the children battling cancer, for being a kid in and out of foster homes, he’d turned out well.

  
He slowly shifts out of bed and squabbles over to his bathroom. His alarm is still ringing just by his bed, but he doesn’t give a toss currently. He turns on the shower and lets the water pressure wake him up. He’s still finding it hard to believe that he’s moving into a hospital; he’s not sick for God’s sake, but it makes sense. It’s 5 hours away, and him catching the night train was the only way he figured he’d arrive when they expected him to – at _half eight_ in the morning.

 

He shabbily tries to wash off the black on his hands. It’s his fault really, he shouldn’t have been up past 10 last night, but _of course_ he gets an idea for another commissioned work he was asked to do right then, well charcoaling his way through another canvas just _had_ to happen.

 

It really was worth it though he rationalises seeing it’s finished now – another less thing to worry over but he now had to make himself look partly presentable, the black set in a way that looked he was leaking it through his veins. He couldn’t walk out like that.

  
Zayn charges quickly into brushing his teeth when he’s out of his shower and trimming his beard, somewhat. He likes that, a tiny bit of stubble more often than not, a clean shaven Zayn looked childish and young, at least in his opinion.

 

He likes to be taken seriously, coming where he came from, it was rather hard to get people to do that, however in the last year or so, he was getting more work, receiving more requests for commissioned pieces, the word was getting out about him and at his age, where most people went to uni, he was already on the ladder to make a good living out of a job he always adored. (He was still thinking about taking night classes though, having a fancy paper saying you survived four years of sheer hard work and madness seemed the only way to go.)

  
He pads out back to his main living space in just his towel quickly searching for the only clothes he had left out. He gets dressed in the semi darkness of the room; the only light was beaming from the bathroom. He goes about finding his sketch pad, notebook, laptop and tablet. He had packed, at least he told himself that, he had mostly packed, but then he got lost in his work and had left his most valuable things to him still lying about. He places those in the easiest accessible places of his luggage, before finally grabbing his phone to finally shut off the damned alarm. He grabs his beanie and leather jacket from the sofa, and makes his way to the door.

 

He can sleep on the train he thinks.

 

*

He gets to London at ten to 8 sharp even through the snow. Getting the taxi to Great Ormand was an easy enough task; it was getting himself to walk up to the reception that was harder. Zayn has always been rather shy and anti social, preferring to get lost in a piece of art, a book, his writing, rather than openly going out and speaking to people. It’s why he was so grateful that people seemed to be pouring in with requests because talking to strangers wasn’t his main forte.

 

He just hopes he’s gets some alone time before he had to start his work. He had already missed the morning salat as it was. He looks around, the hospital took up an entire street, up and down the whole street was made of the same red brick and carvings. The detail work around the windows and doors, made Zayn itch for his pencils, he was like that, he found inspiration everywhere.

 

He sees a bunch of doctors in their pristine white coats make their way from the parking area to the entrance. He shivers slightly in his thin leather jacket; he does finally follow them inside rather just happy that he’s not going in alone.

 

The first thing he notices is that the walls are framed with kids, former patients he thinks looking around at all the kids, happy smiling kids, full of life, like nothing was even wrong with them, even with no body hair, and pipes coming out of their little bodies some with iv drips coming out of their arms, others with the horrible hospital gowns – forgetting their outward appearance, they seemed like precious happy souls which sent his head reeling into newly formed idea – bouncing around and compartmentalising themselves for future reference

 

He waits patiently behind till he sees the older looking woman behind the desk smiling at him.

 

“Mr Malik, I’m Mrs. Darkenwarth. It’s an honour that you’ve come; you’re right on time, sir.” She says, and he blushes.

 

“Doctor Payne,” she beams waving over a very young looking doctor while his feet find the floor. Reluctantly he looks up after a few seconds, he’s one from the group he realises, “will be showing you to the newly constructed ward, you’ll need these,” she continues, giving him a key card holding his name and what he’s doing at the hospital. “He will also be showing you your sleeping quarters.”  He’s also handed a badge that he’s asked to wear at all times. He’s not even said a word yet, which only means good news for him. He thanks her quietly though. He knows it’s the polite thing to do.

 

Doctor Payne takes him by the elbow and leads him to the left of the reception room out into the courtyard. From the little he’s been allowed to see, Zayn knows he’s gonna get a lot of inspiration out of his time here. The sweeping ground where impressive. There was stillness to the space, tranquillity through the snow, yet he could see the first lot of spring bloom trying to spout, even through the heavy snow that seems to just keep coming, it honestly made you forget it was located in the middle of a hospital, in the middle of so much tears, worry and death. He could make out the makings of a beautiful garden come summer.

 

“It’s for the kids.” Doctor Payne says. “When I started my residency 2 years ago, it used to be just grass but the parents of the patients just wanted someplace they could take their kids, if they could, that didn’t come with sterilization.”

 

“It must be the pride and joy of the hospital now though, it’s breath taking.” He mentally slaps himself; Zayn knows he’s idiotic around someone he likes. The proof of that is being a grade A virgin, not that he had much time to think about it, but he knew he liked boys, which means if he ever does get a relationship with one, it’s got Haraam written all over it, but he didn’t have the time to think about that now. He could just see the new building in the distance the exterior was mainly finished, the scaffolds where coming off by workers just as they approached. Liam laughs and nods, before extending his hand towards Zayn’s.

 

“I’m William by the way, but everyone around here calls me Liam.” Doctor Payne mouths it’s shyly, like he’s not used to introducing himself when Zayn rationally knows he must do often, yet the words seeing as foreign to Liam just as they do to him. Zayn takes him in, as he slowly and shyly takes his hand and shakes.

 

The name – Liam – it suits him, Zayn assess. It accentuates his age, because Liam can’t be over the age of thirty. The buzzed head adds softness to his profile, stresses the roundness of his cheeks, the slope of his nose and the fullness of his lips, how incredibly large his brown eyes seem beneath those bushy eyebrows. It highlights his heavy eyelids, and tiredness like Liam’s not had a proper night sleep for a while, the moles and freckles that litter his face, and he even notices a birthmark, just beneath the sharpness of his jaw but Zayn itches to rub his hands over the prickly hairs that make up Liam’s head and run his fingers over Liam’s shoulders and biceps, memorising his crevices and to carve out the contours of his own heart into Liam’s bones, but he knew that to _Liam_ he was just a kid paid to paint walls. It’s not as if he’d ever have a chance.

 

“Zayn ?” He says quietly, he’s shaking now, but Liam just smiles at him, grabbing his elbow again to run into the building. “Come look.” He giggles dragging Zayn in front of him slightly, he’s like an over excited like a little kid Zayn thinks a smile threatening to overtake his face.

 

The space is huge; it’s 6 large hall type rooms with 10 smaller, just private rooms. The kitchen to the side was already done, the appliances where coming in a day or two Liam had told him as they walked by. He wouldn’t have to do anything there, unlike all the other rooms; this one was painted a light blue already. The rest were left white for Zayn to paint himself.

 

“Zayn?” he hears just as he’s looking into the last of the bathrooms. Liam’s standing by where he left his suitcase; he walks back to him as quickly as he could, because he really didn’t want to be a bother.

 

“I’m gonna be the one overseeing you.” Liam says when he’s close enough. “I’ve been taken off the roll and won’t be called, unless some major emergency happens. If it’s ok with you I’ve been moved to the room right next door to you, I need to show you where though.” Liam laughs, and he’d be lying if he didn’t say it didn’t hit him in all the right places. Zayn nods, but he thinks why isn’t Liam bothered about being asked to babysit him that not only Zayn but Liam too had to stop his life to get this project done and where were Liam’s family? He asked himself looking at the band on Liam’s ring finger, his wife? Probably children, why didn’t they complain that they were losing their loved one to a 10 month project? And a just out of puberty teenager?

 

Liam ushers him though a couple of security checks before they enter a lift. He tries to take his luggage back but Liam just smiles and holds onto it. They exit on level 3, the ‘Accommodation for Parents’ it reads when the door opens and dings, Zayn smiles, well it was his new house for now.

 

There were 10 rooms, on the level, all equipped with their private bathroom but a communal kitchen and living area, everything was brand new, and with its high spec, Zayn didn’t exactly feel like touching anything.  He was used to dingy houses, with damp and mould, little to no furniture and screaming fighting neighbours. This was a whole new ball game for him and he also realized that he needed to act proper at all times now.

 

“I hope this is fine.” Liam says, “It’s one of the things they finished first.”

 

“It’s more than just fine, thank you, really thank you for this.”

 

“It’s our pleasure.” Liam smiles before stopping at a certain door; they were just walking around aimless up until then.  “This is you.” Liam says quietly taking the key card from him and swiping the door open. “Be sure you aren’t locked out, the door is built so that it can’t be broken into, it locks itself and all.” Liam sounded impressed by making it hard for him not to smile.

 

“You can sleep till this lunch if you like, I was just gonna get some food for us –” Liam stops himself before, “um - no pork right?” Zayn smiles and nods visibly making Liam’s cheeks redden; he hushes out a thank you just as Liam turns to leave with a small wave.

 

He fidgets slightly looking around his new room, it was clean and modern, white kinda cold and clinical but he remembers he is in a hospital, he smiles when he looks out his window to take in the view, London was in its rush hour he could see the traffic quite clearly from his sixth floor advantage point. He sighs, this room was bigger than his current one, it’s what you got when you lived in a homeless shelter but now, God granted him this gift, he refuses to think about the bad things.

 

He looks around him again then turning to his suitcase to take out his things, dropping his laptop and sketch pad down on his bed, taking his cigarettes from the pocket of his jeans and placing them on the window still, he then bends down to start shifting his clothes takes out his new fresh pair of sheets, the only pair he’s ever owned, before finally giving attention to his prayer mat and Qu’ran dropping them on the bed right next to his sketch pad.

 

After his well deserved and needed shower, he starts his now late morning Salat.

 

*

 

There is a knock at his door at half past 12 sharp. He had gotten lost in his sketching he realised; he hadn’t even put pants on. He leaps to his luggage and throws on a pair of sweatpants before pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and runs a hand through his still damp hair. He composes himself slightly before opening the door.

 

Liam is standing there smiling like a fool, holding a box of pizza and a pack of cokes in his hand. He’s out of his uniform by then, standing at his door in a simple black hoodie and jeans.

 

“I was hoping it’d be ok if we shared lunch maybe?”

 

Zayn isn’t expecting that if he has to be honest, “Yeah,” he answered though opening the door wider moving back to clear the desk and chair, “Sorry, kinda got lost in it all.”

 

“I sent you to sleep,” Liam smirks, crooked and uneven yet so utterly charming, “Didn’t expect you to work on designs the minute you walked in.”

 

“Sorry, this place is incredible I guess.” He says before throwing a shirt on, his scars didn’t need showing off and the obligatory questions that followed, the doctor hadn’t asked though just sat himself in the chair and started to look over what he’s been drawing while digging into the pizza.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t know what you toppings you have just got a side that isn’t pepperoni.” Zayn didn’t really mind. He smiles at Liam, sparks of  thank you’s already edging on the tip of this tongue as colour rushes too his cheeks, he was actually kinda chuffed that Liam cared enough to know he didn’t eat pork let alone him stressing over something as simple as pizza toppings.

 

“Its fine,” he says instead grabbing a slice from the untouched side smiling when he sees its chicken and mushroom, “Thank you.”

 

“So, what you think of all this?”

 

“It’s brilliant, these walls just itch for me to draw on them, as childish as that sounds.”

 

“It’s not childish, it’s the same with my patients, from the minute they walk in, and I’m itching start on working on a plan to fix them, like they say, the machine only works when it’s well oiled.”

 

He smiles, his lips naturally moving into a sideways grin with his tongue tucked between his teeth; it seemed Dr Payne had a way with words.

 

“You know I never thought of it that way, but you’re right, I fix walls, _you_ fix people.”

 

Liam shrugs, outwardly unimpressed with it all, like the awe of what he did had faded for him over time.

 

“I find what you do really cool you know, getting to do what you want and not something you had been forced into, like I love my patients those in house and out bound, but I do dream about setting up a mechanics shop  somewhere, sometime, I’ve always liked fixing cars better.”

 

“What keeps you here then?”

 

“That’s simple, the kids I work with, the struggles they go through, I’ll take you to my favourite one, one of these days, even if we aren’t supposed to have favourites of course.” Liam grins around a mouthful of pizza; yeah that flips the butterflies in his stomach 360.

 

“I’d love to, but you know, I wish I got to go to proper uni, cause it’s like if you don’t go especially now, it’s like you failed at life.”

 

“Who’s the one on a half a quarter of a million pound budget commission based project at 19 at?” Zayn laughs, Liam has a point.

 

“Yeah but still,” he starts worrying his bottom lips with sharp canines, not knowing where to go next, “So what’d do out of here?”

 

“I box.”

 

“Hell no.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Liam asked surprised.

 

“I box.”

  
“Fuck now,” Liam cussed lightly smiling around his words, “but you’re all little and small.”

  
He chuckles; it was the typical response he got from people, Zayn was ‘small and little’ as Liam put it, but he had the strength of a boar, at least that’s what his trainer used to compare him to. He’s a very happy lightweight; it was him getting the anger out of him. He never took it seriously, although he could if he wanted to.

  
 

“Yeah well –” he smirks, “Could show you one time if you want.” He says casually moving to open a coke can.

 

“Really?” Liam says throwing the last bit of crust back into the pizza box. “I’d love to take you on one of these days.”

 

“Are you intuiting a fight Payne?”

 

“Am I?” Liam threw back.

 

“Deal?”

 

“Deal.”

 

“Good, just show me to the nearest gym tomorrow yeah?”

 

“It’s right on the other side of the complex, and honestly other then boxing, what else do you do?”

 

“Not much, this is my life.” He says reaching over to hold up his sketch pad.

 

“No friends? Girls? You know social events, a normal life?”

 

Zayn shrugs, people didn’t usually get this personal with him, _this fast._ Actually people other than clients didn’t even bother to learn his name. It was just the way his life is.

 

“No, not really.” He finally said. ‘I’ve always kinda been a loner.”

 

“You won’t here, I assure you, the kids are so looking forward to this, they’ve been asking us for about 3 weeks when the artist comes to paint the hospital. It’s the only thing they’ve been talking about.”

 

Zayn feels chuffed, but he knows Liam was just saying that to make him feel better.

 

“I was thinking I’m throwing out the usual colour stereotypes. You know the pink and blue, yellow neutral and all that shit.” He says changing the subject.

 

“And do what then?” Liam chuckles softly, obviously choosing his words carefully.

 

"I want and bear with me it’s a little complicated ok?” Liam nods so he stands.

“You know as you enter that big reception area, I want like elves and fairies and those pastel colours everywhere, like they’re coming to this place to escape, I don’t want it to look so white and clinical. I also have been thinking about how the nature change affects moods, so because there is the space it’s cool to have all those reds and golds from autumn interchanging in a fluidic manner with the pinks white and pale blues from spring.” Liam keeps nodding in somewhat awe, almost like he’s taking mental notes so he continues. “You know, I also counted 10 private rooms, for the more serious terminal cases, in there I want superheroes everywhere, cause that’s what these kids are all of them, but those being placed in those rooms, those kids that have to live in here for the rest of their lives, I want them to feel like they’re just as important as any of those all over their walls.

 

“And in these spaces,” He continues stretching his fingers and spreading them on the wall, petting it, “These walls, they can’t be white. Parents are gonna be up here, in an out depressing themselves over their kids downstairs, it’s too cold as it is it’s too clean, too polished, all those pastel, soft blues pinks lilacs, could work.” He sits down again, shy all of a sudden, “Sorry, do you get it?” he whispers turning pink.

 

Liam sighs. “I actually get that.” He smiles at him, “It’s crazy how you’ve not even been here a day yet you’ve already planned this place out. If I walked in here I’d probably leave everything as it was, too scared to fuck things up.”

 

“I don’t think you can do that, like can you paint between lines?”Zayn asks.

 

“I’ve never tried; these last 10 years consisted of my head in books, or my hands in people’s skulls. I’ve not had much time to have breaks.” He felt sorry for Liam then, that’s what university got him; he had forgotten how to live.

 

“What if I sketch and outline and let you paint within the lines when we get to them?” Liam’s face actually lit up and giggled. Zayn had to ask then, “How old even are you?” He laughed out; he controls himself fast though, seeing Liam didn’t reply. “Sorry, you just don’t seem that old for a brain surgeon.”

 

“I’m 29.” Liam whispers, his hands flying up to his face, like he was embarrassed or something.

 

“Hey, hey.” Zayn says, moving up to cup Liam’s neck. He isn’t exactly thinking through what he was doing, what he was _achieving_ but he hated seeing people upset, especially upset over him. Zayn didn’t exactly touch a lot of people yet he was now rubbing circles in Liam’s neck and hairline.

 

“You’re one of the youngest specialists I’ve ever heard of,” he says quietly, a little whisper, just enough to make Liam tip his head upward towards him, “why do you react to that like there is more to this then what you want to tell me?”

 

Liam shakes his head, like he’s shaking his thoughts out of his mind for a moment, placing his can of coke to the side before he’s  grabbing  one of Zayn’s hands, tucking it gently between his fingers, even though Zayn’s hands were big and square in manner, it disappeared between Liam’s own impressive palms.

 

“It’s ok really,” he stutters gently trying to not fall over his words, sliding his eyes down to play with the ring on Zayn’s little finger twisting it slowly, as if trying to ease some of the nervousness running within him, “I just – with what I am, or rather – who I am there is this disconnect with reality, see it’s patient after patient, tumour after tumour, child after child. I’ve never had a break – and then you came in today, all cool and collected all artsy and bookish, it’s just sometimes I wish I was more like you.”

 

“What about your family?” Zayn whispers pulling Liam over closer to him onto the bed.

 

“It’s a fake.” Liam says decisively letting go of him to take it off and slowly places it into the palm of Zayn’s hand.

 

“It’s just when I first started my residency at another hospital, there were these bunch of girls training to be nurses that just liked to try it on with everyone, till they scored dates. When I put the ring on, it stopped and I could focus on my work, rather than worry over which bait I’m gonna be for one of them for that week.”

 

Zayn’s heart stuttered. He looked at the ring in his hands then back up at Liam.

 

“There is something though –” Liam said smiling now, pulling back completely to sit up on his knees and take out his wallet, stopping to check his watch. Zayn’s internal clock said it was about half 2. Liam in the mean time hands him a picture of a little girl around 5 years old.  

 

“She’s mine.” Liam says quietly, it was meek and reserved, like he didn’t talk about her often – at work at least. “I work in a way that I’m always there for dinner but I miss breakfast and lunch, I miss holidays and I miss just about everything important to her life. It’s why I took this job actually –” he says now smiling, coming closer again, “So that I have fewer hours, more flexibility, more time with her. She wants to move in here badly and the hospital has allowed it because it’s not a building site as such anymore, but I guess I wanted to tell you first.”

 

Zayn looked down at the picture, the child was gorgeous, a pure picture of her father, down right to the slope of their nose and shape of their eyes, even if the girl’s were green, round and huge, staring, smiling back at him. He swallows the lump in his throat that formed there heavily; a child was the seal in the deal Zayn knew was bound to come. Liam was off limits – plain and simple.

 

“I’d love to meet her.” He says shakily, a little afraid of looking up at Liam now. He schools his expression into a smile before handing the precious picture back to him, who is looking at him relieved and somewhat grateful.

 

Zayn gently lets his hand rise to rest on Liam’s cheek bringing Liam closer now. “Hey,” he says as Liam stretches his neck to fully rest on Zayn’s hand now, “Why do you always act like it’s the end of the world?”

 

“It’s what I’m used to.”

 

“How about –” he whispers, “we start by remembering to trust each other before you assume I’m going to have issues with everything. I’ve learnt over the years, that if you don’t trust others, you can never fully trust yourself to choose the right path for yourself. Can we start with that?”

 

Liam nods, and Zayn can’t help but pull his head into his torso. It wasn’t a proper hug, but it was the best he could offer right now.

 

“I saw you looking at your watch earlier; do you need to pick her up from somewhere?”

 

“Yeah,” Liam fumbles looking up at him. He grabs Zayn’s shirt then and pulls him forward so that he was now somewhat sitting on Liam’s lap.

 

“Thank you.” Liam says, “No one has ever been kind to me over her, and I’ve realised I can’t speak about her all the time, like some Doctors at the hospital do speak about their children, but it’s not comfortable to do that – not with these specialists I guess because then they ask about the nonexistent wife and settled family life they all seem to have and I’m just – here.”

 

Zayn realises there was a whole barrage of questions he could ask Liam, but he felt they weren’t necessary for now, insteadhe reaches over to rub at Liam’s hand before slipping the ring back on Liam’s finger.

 

“It’s easy to be kind; it’s easy to be loving and caring. You just have to find the right people.”

 

He says, gently twisting the ring to set it the right way up. He smiles up warmly at Liam squeezing his fingers lightly before getting up roll to up his carpet. Letting it gently rest in the space between the bed and the bedside table, he grabs a pair of jeans from his still unpacked untidy suitcase and walks into the bathroom.

 

*

 

Later when they were sitting in Liam’s plush car, making their way through London, he asks the most obvious question ever.

 

“Liam? What’s her name?”

 

Liam chuckles and reaches over to squeeze his hand.

 

“Zarah,” Liam says, and that’s that.

 

*

 

Zayn doesn’t really think twice about what it all means. He goes into auto – pilot.

 

It wasn’t really his place to even have a response. He has just _met_ Liam. He couldn’t start getting all possessive over someone who he didn’t even know a full 24 hours yet, but it did sting; he did let himself admit that.

 

They engage in light small talk for a while, football, the weather, favourite quotes and ideas, it was a relief for him, because back at the hospital it got deep fast, and it wasn’t like that usually for Zayn, he was used to being in the back of classes, in the corner of rooms, dorms. His life had consisted of invisibility and obscurity.

 

“Zayn?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Why you here, why did you just drop everything, like your life didn’t mean anything to you?

 

He shrugs resting his head on the back of his seat. They had been sat in traffic for about 10 minutes. He absentmindedly starts running calloused fingers over the unshaven line of his jaw, the bits of scruff at his cheek. His fingers flex for a cigarette while his heart resides somewhere between his chest and throat.

 

“It didn’t really,” he says finally, “I get my work because of word of mouth, most of them are commission based, like this project, I barely see 5% of what a piece is actually worth and that money goes for food and shelter.” He chuckles lowly, hollowly then swipes his fingers across the door of Liam’s brand new Audi. “It’s funny, I think this car worth’s more than the entire building I live in.”

 

“Where do you live?”

 

“In hell.” Zayn mutters, his words out of his usually iron gated mouth before he could stop them, he is usually deliberate with them, but this was an exception. It’s the only reply he had that did justice to the shitty complex the charity provided. The place he called home for the last 3 years. He chews on his half bitten lips and balls his hands into fits shoving them underneath his thighs he was trying to control his anger or rather _rage._ The guy in the room next door was a user, like it couldn’t get any worse, leaving that place and coming here was always the better choice, he was getting his stuff driven out at the weekend, if possible he wouldn’t be back up in Yorkshire for a while.

 

Liam worries his brows for a minute, scrunching them together like he’s deep in thought. He could see the gold flecks in Liam’s eyes, as the afternoon winter sun, hit them from the front. Liam was truly a piece of art, from the crinkle in his nose that formed when he was thinking, to the way his front teeth bite on his chapped lips, to the way Liam’s gripping at the steering wheel like Zayn words effected him on a deeper level.

 

He reaches out to touch his arm without thinking.

 

“Don’t fret.” He mumbles out, soft yet harsh, “That’s how it is; I’m not your problem yeah?”

 

“Zayn – when did you ever trust someone enough to let them in?”

 

“Romantically?”

  
Liam nods, and Zayn wants to be able to wrap reassurances around words that don’t exist because Liam needed protection from his world, even if Liam was 10 years his senior, opening Liam up to his reality was like throwing fresh meat to a pack of hungry lions.

 

He half shrugs into his seat, dispelling emotion from his voice, trying hard to remain neutral because he didn’t want Liam to get ideas.

 

 

“Honestly, no one tried, neither did I though “ He sighs heavily after that and looks out of his window, the traffic’s main serpent had dissipated, cars disbanding and going their own respective routes it’s then he realises they were pulling up to a fancy well off primary school.  

 

There is a lump in his throat the moment they drive through the gates, that thickens by a tenfold at the sight of the sweeping grounds, buildings and the cars parked in the driveway.

 

He didn’t fit here; he really wants to kick himself badly about getting into Liam’s car in the first place.

 

“Come on.” Liam says smiling at him almost shyly; treating Zayn like child about to take his first steps in the big wide world we live on. He smiles back at Liam, connecting for a minute with their emotions as well as their words. Liam just reaches out for him, takes him by the hand and starts trekking his way up to the house. He doesn’t question the hand holding, he can’t question anything concerning Liam it seems, that might develop into a bit of a problem.

 

 Zayn thinks Liam’s mad about wanting to quit what he does as he looks around, the impressive and expressive landscape doing the talking Liam can’t do, it’s provided him with a life Zayn could only ever dream about.

 

  
“You know this is about the 10th time I’ve ever picked her up.” Liam’s beaming, like he’s just happy to be in the position he fell into now. “She’s so ecstatic that I’m going to be doing this for most of the year.”

 

It was January now; the chill in the air is making him shake slightly, but the heat Liam’s radiating off his body was more than Zayn could ask for as compensation to the cold. He smiles fondly as he recognises, he’ll have Liam most of the day, everyday till the first of November.

 

He grins turning to face Liam; he can’t trust himself to speak at this point, he just squeezes Liam’s fingers tightly, pressing into Liam’s side before letting go just as reach the 4 steps that lead to the Falkner House. He drops back a couple of steps behind Liam, letting him deal with the parents while he roamed the hall, relieved that they waited inside for the kids. He could see Liam out of the corner of his eye conversing with a obviously very well off couple – the up there arse kind of people as he called it, Zayn sits on one of the lavish chairs and keeps his head down after that, trying to draw as little as attention to himself as possible.

 

If he’s going to be honest he’s madder at himself that he ended up in this position. He just knows he’ll fall for Liam that he was _already_ falling. It hit him like a shooting star hitting the impact zone when it collided with the earth, but to him, it hit him straight in his heart, because he knew that to Liam, rationally speaking, he was just a kid who got lucky, but Zayn still hopes, especially seeing how many hours he knows they’ll end up spending together.

Zayn doesn’t do that. He doesn’t let people get to him, to get under his skin, to envelop him whole and make him part of their life, yet here he was in the middle of a well off reception room of one of London’s most expensive  pre prep schools about to meet the child of his full time sitter.

Zayn knows that he’d get his heart broken by Liam, correction by someone like Dr William Payne, and the feeling was mutual, Liam deserved better not a shitty kid that was in and out of foster homes all his life.

“Zayn?”

 

He’s softly being shaken, bringing an ending for his quiet musings for the meanwhile. Liam’s hand is firm on his shoulder, like an anchor, trying to not only hold Zayn down but himself too. He stands and he’s suddenly faced with the little girl from the picture, Zarah, who’s looking at him oddly, like she’s sizing him up for her own pleasure.

 

Liam grins and puts her down, steadying her on her feet and kissing her forehead standing up right after to take Zayn by the elbow and lead them slowly out of the school, in this unhurried nature he’s never had in his life.

The little girl was closer to now, twirling in her ballet uniform covered warmly by a bright parka just by him. His mouth spreads into an involuntary smile as he looks down at her, with her pretty hair tucked up in a perfectly coiffed bun, pierced ears and those striking green eyes  and a joyful bubbly laugh, she was pirouetting her way out and he’d by lying if he didn’t say it warmed his heart.

 

He reaches out to grab her hand instinctively as they make it outside. She doesn’t quite question it, just looks up at him and grins widely before squeezing back, it reminds him a lot of Liam’s smile, and it even matches down to the crinkle in their eyes.

 

“My daddy has been talking about you all week – he says you’re his saving grace whatever that means.”

 

“I thought we agreed we’d never mention that again,” Liam chuckles, his cheeks tingeing scarlet easily, “but yeah,” he says instead, “you have no idea how much it means to us that you’re finally here.”

 

He snorts, “Well you’ll figure out soon enough I’m just a boring dude with nothing else on his mind other than drawing every second of the day.”

 

“As long as you stay away from Superheroes, you’re good, I will not stand another geek around here, Daddy drives me insane with his need to buy the latest edition of all the Marvel comics. Bruce Wayne gets boring after a while”

 

Zayn chokes, he isn’t sure if it’s her indifference the comic genius that made the film or what she just said.

 

Liam thought it was a good idea when he had shared with him what he was seeing for the new ward, but he didn’t take Liam for a Marvel geek that was for people like him, Liam just seemed the football out with mates every weekend kind of guy.

 

He looks up at Liam then, he was bright red now, and down at his daughter, she’s laughing widely, so pleased with herself that she just outed what seemed one of her dad’s biggest secrets.

 

“My dear, I’m going have to disappoint, I kinda love superheroes.”

 

She stops dead in her tracks and smiles, like Zayn has just revealed the cure to cancer.

 

“Finally,” She starts, “take care of my Daddy, you’ve passed the test.”

 

Zayn’s confused, but from what he could make out, Zarah hadn’t just outed Liam as a secret geek, but also a queer. Sometimes, children are way too honest.

 

He didn’t know which one intrigued him more.

 

Liam blushes profusely now, red all the way up to the tip of his eyes and the indents of his temples, it makes Zayn want to kiss him silly. Zarah runs off to find the car. It dawns on him that the grounds of this place were huge; they had been walking for a good 5 minutes now. Zayn gently slides his fingers down Liam’s hand, squeezing their fingers; he looks lost and embarrassed, not really sure what to say now.

“I’m sorry,” Liam’s suddenly saying, “She just doesn’t know when and where to keep her mouth shut yet.”

 

“It’s ok; she’s just a little girl.” He chuckles happily leaning further into Liam’s warmth.

 

“Yeah but what she was saying, like her little test she put you through, it was her way of CRB checking you. “

 

“Why is it important that anyone you date should like superheroes?”

 

“Because,” Liam says easily, letting Zayn know there is an answer ready and waiting, “it’s about the reason every one of my relationships fell apart.”

 

“Liam.” He says, stopping still and pulling Liam closer to him. Zayn isn’t that shorter than him, just an inch or so, Liam’s nose, with a little tilt was easily kissable he measured.  

 

He waits until he composed himself. Zayn wasn’t good at this kind of intimacy; it’s why he doesn’t usually dabble in it.

 

He feels Liam’s arms around his waist, pulling him in, enclosing him within their embrace, all his mind could think was finding a way out of this, that Liam deserved much more than a homeless kid that turned up at one of the most well known hospitals in the world to paint walls, but Liam was speaking, in a hushed down voice only meant for him and not for the ears of the other parents walking out of the school all around them.

 

“Last time I was supposed to go on a date with him, a new Batman comic was coming out, like you know the ones where you could go to the store and get the artist to sign them, cause they had flown in all the way from America for just that one HMV, yeah I chose to go to that one, instead of meeting up with Mark, he called my house at 8 at night just as I was putting Zarah to bed and started to scream and yell about how immature and childish I was. Zarah made it a policy after that, for her sake and mine, everyone that doesn’t like superheroes is off limits friendship or more. It’s childish I know, and it’s probably not the best specifics to have but yeah...” He trails off; he really couldn’t understand why Liam’s being so honest and open with him, when they had only met in the morning. Zayn doesn’t complain though, this was he knew it was raw and real.

 

His heart is jumping out of his chest loudly when he decides to reach up to kiss Liam’s forehead.

 

“Listen, I find it cute that she cares so much about you, but I’m just a homeless kid that keeps getting lucky over and over, and even if I was in a better economic position, I wouldn’t let you fall for someone like me.”

 

“What if I’m kinda already falling?” Zayn’s heart flutters, making his head light and chest heavy; he just _can’t_ do this right now, to himself and neither to Liam.

 

“Liam –” he hushes, slowly but hotly, “please be realistic here, we just met, I’m this person – I’m this person – that fucks people up, the only things I don’t fuck up is my art. As you two are – you, you have the perfect life, with _just_ your car being worth more than my all my art put together. I think for now at least, can we focus on just building a friendship? I think I’d really like to start off small rather you jump into something you’ll end up regretting.”

 

“Okay,” Liam says sliding his eyes shut in a resignation manner, “Can I – can I at least hug you?” Zayn nods and Liam suddenly squeezing him tighter into a bone crushing hug that doesn’t fail to make him smile.

 

Liam’s skin smells of peaches and expensive aftershave, and felt like satin, he’s one of those people that rests his whole chin on your shoulder when he hugs people; it’s nice if he had to be honest, not many people do that – not that he even let people touch him that is.

 

They let go after a little while, walking in undisturbed silence, their hands swaying softly between them, sometimes brushing their fingers slightly causing Zayn‘s sparks to fly every time.

 

“Finally!” They smile at Zarah as they finally make it to the car; she had climbed up onto the front, and was reading an old torn looking comic book. Zayn sees, but does not ask, “I thought you two got lost somewhere.” She says grinning.

 

He settles for a little giggle just as Liam reaches out to lift Zarah off the bonnet, reaching out for Zayn’s hand when he stands up again. Liam was making him his anchor, he can see that now but he isn’t sure whether to be happy or worried about it.

  
They get into the car and quickly but surely they make their way out of the parkway of the school. It’s about 4.30pm he thinks looking out the window, just as he feels Liam’s hand squeeze and retain its position on his thigh, the pressure that made him look back. Liam grins at him widely, assuring him that’s everything is gonna be just fine and that everything will turn out in the end.

 

 

*

 

They stop to buy groceries for Zayn because Liam had said something about not being too sure about what he does and doesn’t eat. Zayn shyly asks for an Asian market. He doesn’t know what to expect other than the meat being halal. It’s really all he wants; he could make do with normal spices bought from the normal Tesco.

“Daddy, I’ve never been here before, why do the girls have scarves on their heads?”

Zayn’s jaw automatically tightens  his hands lock around Liam’s arm, that is still cupping his thigh, this time looking for Liam to be his anchor, he isn’t sure he wants to hear Liam’s answer.

“Because boo, it’s their religion, like it’s a sign of respect to their God.”

“Allah.” He mutters involuntarily.

“Allah.” Liam repeats as he drives the car into a space and turns it off. Zayn’s body goes rigid, he isn’t sure he can do this anymore but Zarah is opening his door and handing him her little hand, explaining that she likes it when someone else other than her daddy does it. So he composes himself enough to lift himself off the seat, he’s never been to an Asian Market with anyone before, let alone a 5 year old child and his new boss.

They walk through the bustling complex, it’s always the same for Zayn, he likes to think its like going into the rabbit hole and coming out the other side into a whole different world. In here no one’s first language is English; in here is where he doesn’t have to worry about the colour of his skin, or the angles of his face and the sharpness of his cheekbones, because these are _his_ people, with their traditional garb and sun kissed skin, with the smell of Turmeric and Cumin filling the air and the sounds of haggling, shouting and celebrating, everything happening under one roof, where for Zayn, time stood still for the first time since he got here and he could finally _breathe._

He steers through the obviously African section, past the Chinese and Korean stalls swiftly manoeuvring his way to the halal butchers. Neither Liam nor Zarah question him when he orders some chicken and beef before asking where he could find the stalls for the Indian and Pakistanis.

He feels a tug at the hem of his jacket just as the man is handing over his produce and spilling out directions with that friendly but toothless grin of his. He looks down to see Zarah’s bewildered face, grasping tightly at him with both her hands now. His heart swells and melts to the point he just has to bend down to pick her up, murmuring it’s just fine as she lays her head on his shoulder, her arms going round his neck holding on tightly.

Zayn turns to Liam, who too looks uncomfortable in such an environment, he wants to pity them, but this is all he knows. Chaos and madness yet it is still tethered firmly that shapes functionality and pride with the people that lie in this places, with the people that still give millions of beings a place that’s just like home. Liam reaches for Zayn’s bags with one hand, while he grabs for Liam’s spare hand, not caring about who could see and what scandal they might cause, he didn’t care, both of them just need reassurance, of that he has in abundance. 

“Come on, it’s ok really, they’re not going to kill you, you know.” He whispers to Liam just as he finally sees the stalls with fresh spices on display.

“I know,” Liam replies, “But they keep staring.”

“That’s cause not many people that look like you too come in here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, we have these markets because the white folks that run the big ones, you know Asda, Tesco, Morrison’s, they don’t give a toss about how our meat is processed or the quality of the spice or they don’t supply a staple meat, it’s why these places are here, no offense but it’s not a white people scene. Like you’re incredible and all but you’re the cause of fear here.”

“Fear?”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t elaborate, he doesn’t need to. All Liam had to do is look around, nearly everyone around them currently was a woman with a hijab or a chador on them, kids included, Liam seems to understand that a different set of rules apply here, that he’s the outsider looking in, that his child with her frilly pink tutu  and light skin was the _other_. That no amount of money or authority will buy them equality,

Zarah seems to sense that her dad quite uncomfortable so in turn she just keeps her head firmly tucked in his shoulder as he grabs his own sets of basic spices leaving them spread out on the counter, exchanging a few words with the old man sat behind there who promptly sits up to start the bill, he reaches up to get the last jar of dried Saffron telling him shyly as Zayn puts it down, it was time for a refill.

The man passes free comments around in a language he knows is foreign and alien to Liam, yet he can’t help but reply as they finally walk up to him to pay, because it had been so long since he properly spoke those words, and even if it had been many months, the terms never seemed to need re acquaintance themselves with his tongue. They were there, always – rolling around in the contors of his mouth, slotted gently between the English and the Urdu.

“Salaam Alaikum!” He says warmly as he reaches for the bags, telling him to keep the change.

“ Wa-Alaikum Salaam!” He hears just as he turns about, maybe he thinks this wasn’t so bad after all.

He can feel Liam grab at his bags again, saying something about him already carrying Zarah, Zayn’s mouth spreads into a smile and lets Liam take them, going instantly to hold Liam’s free hand right after, if he has to be honest he didn’t give a damn about who stared.

“Sorry about all that.” He says the moment they reach the car till then the only sounds were the soft rhythmic sweeps of their footsteps, like hands dusting flour across an old wooden cutting board he thinks.

“It’s ok,” Liam says as he unlocks the boot to place the bags in there. “It was nice actually, seeing you in your element, your world.”

Zayn smiles, cheeks hot and most likely coloured a horrible shade of pink he can’t blame on the cold around him. He’s never really met anyone so accepting of the world as it is, without the goal to somewhat change it.

He shrugs, rolling his eyes; he’s trying hard to fight the smirk that naturally settles on his lips as he waits for Liam to open the car. He lets Liam open the car door for him and he gently leans down to sit Zarah down in her seat, locking the seatbelt tightly around her. It’s not a car seat as such; just a booster seat that means you can actually see what she’s up too from the middle mirror. If she wasn’t in it even Zayn would have problems driving too.

He stops and thinks for a minute then, asks himself why he cares so much already about a man and a child he’s genuinely just met. Zayn has never been this way, has never just _accepted_ people in his life. He usually made them work for it which resulted in no one staying around after a while. That was his life, not this settled down domesticated type of life that he’s fitted so seemingly into, like it’s what he actually needed.

Liam places a hand on his back, slowly almost shyly and that reminds Zayn that he’s still standing over Zarah, fiddling with her now locked belt. She smiles at him and he instinctively reaches down to kiss her forehead before letting up and out of the car again to stand beside Liam closing the door.

“You don’t have to be like that with her, if you don’t want you it’s ok.”

“I want to,” Zayn shrugs slightly. “I want to try to built something the right way for once, that’s ok with you right?”

“It is yeah, I just only my mum is like that with her.”

“I wanna get to know both of you. She’s part of you, she’s part of your history, yes I’m officially here for a job, but I was given both of you for a reason, I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“To be honest I don’t think you can fuck anything up.”

Zayn wants to belittle because Liam has no idea what his life has been like, but he looks away the blush threatening to take over his face again. He grabs Liam’s hand again and squeezes.

“If you only knew.” He mutters before stepping back and going round the car to the passenger side which prompts Liam into opening his own door getting in.

“I wanna, if you let me, I wanna.” Is all Liam says, and yeah Zayn thinks _maybe._

*

“Can we like talk?” It’s Liam voice coming from the corridor. He and Zarah spent the entire afternoon unpacking their things while Zayn sat on the sofa watching 12 monkeys – a luxury; he hadn’t watched tv in years.

He turns his face so that he’s facing Liam who is now sauntering over to the kitchen space to he guesses; make his little girl some dinner.

“Yeah Li, anything.” It’s rash but before he could stop himself Liam’s coming over to him, smiling, holding 2 bottles of beer in his hands, clinking them together before he walks back to the counter to take out the chicken from the fridge, because of course they stopped at Tesco’s after their stop as well.

“Just wanted to talk I guess, you’ve been way to quiet since we got back, this is all.”

“About what Li?”

“You’re doing it again.” Liam smiles at him as he takes out a set of knives out of the box marked _kitchen._

“The nickname thing,” Liam shrugs, “never had that before.”

“I don’t believe you.” He says smiling, standing to go sit next to Liam, jumping up on the counter.

“What you cooking anyway?”

“Was gonna fry some of this,” gesturing at the chicken, “you see its chips night.”

He laughs before, “So in the Payne household you have chips night on a Monday night, brilliant idea Liam really.” It’s not belittling, he’s just impressed that Liam actually cooks nightly for her.

Liam mimics his smile on his own face before, “And Friday is pizza night, in the other 5 days, she only eats healthy stuff, and cake or ice cream on Saturday’s.” Liam stops himself, “Sorry, you don’t wanna hear any of this.” He slaps Liam’s shoulder lightly.

“Don’t do that.” He says getting off the counter flicking Liam away to sit on one of the breakfast stools. “Don’t assume shit ok? Yeah ok I’m not exactly the person you wanna share stuff with but don’t assume I don’t wanna listen you hear?” Liam nods and bows his head, pouting a little as he places his hands over the bar, just looking at Zayn.

He takes the opportunity to take out his curry mixes, another pan so that he could fry them off adding some garlic, because it’s just how he is. He starts making his favourite vegetable curry. He looks in the fridge for more chicken portions and potatoes. Liam goes back to ask him trivial questions before, “Not to be insensitive but who taught you how to cook?”

He smiles as he turns the heat down while it slow cooks for a while and places a lid on the pan so the chicken doesn’t get that cold.

He opens tap to pour himself some water, opening the window there to let some fresh air in,  before turning around to go sit next to Liam.

“My daadi.” It slips out before he could think much over it, “Um, that’s my grandmother. She was hell bent on making sure I was able to at least do a good Biryani before she passed when I was 8.”

“You were allowed in the kitchen that young?” Liam’s face implies he’s a little shocked, but in his family, you’re taught to fend for yourself pretty much since the minute you’re able to talk and walk.

He giggles; he doesn’t know how to reply other than a short nod of the head.

“My parents – ” he says after a little, “they weren’t exactly in the best position to be parents when they had me. My nan she raised me essentially, but after she passed, no one was willing to take me on. So I ended up in foster care with only my prayer rug and my Qu’ran to call my own. Been on my own since then really.”

He doesn’t quite get how he’s doing this, how he’s opening up to someone like Liam, but he was and it didn’t feel like he was betraying his walls.

“I just turned 19, wanna know why I took this job so readily? I had 3 weeks to get out of the shelter to give my room to another homeless child. I’m not the government’s problem anymore. The things I do have is because of the work I do but again, if it sells for 4k, I barely see 1k of it, the shelter used to say, you live here, so we get a cut. It’s how it is for me. Today when we went to Zarah’s school – God Liam,” He shakes his head before burying it into the crooks of his arms, “I’m so out of place in your world its almost inadequate being around you.”

It’s Liam’s turn to slap him. “Don’t ever say that, I’m not posh or anything, hell if anything I’m from one of the poorest areas of Wolverhampton. I am where I am because of my mum. Now don’t get me wrong I adore Zarah but she was never in my plans, especially after I had just graduated. I didn’t want a child, hell I used to think I never wanted children because of what I do. I’m here mostly because of her and her future. If it were just me I’d be sleeping in my mechanics and not giving a toss about what anyone thinks of me.”

“How do you afford the private school? The ballet, the swimming, she said she’s got tap tomorrow, being around you it’s watching my dream up and running and that it is happening all around the world every day and then there is me, someone with no A-levels to his name, someone so rough and harsh people are scared of him, someone that repulses. That’s my thing you know,” He continues quietly tapping the back of Liam’s hand on the bar, trying his best to not look up at Liam, “ and you’ll feel it too in a while, you’ll start finding excuses as to why you can’t be around me, that you’re busy here, busy there, at this point, it doesn’t even hurt. I just know that after the first couple of months it’s bound to happen.” He sighs and sits up, going over to the cooker to switch everything off. What he doesn’t expect is to feel Liam crowding his space, pushing him up against the counter, his hands flat on it, before he puts them on Zayn’s waist effectively turning him around.

He’s got a serious look on his face, and he hates himself to doing that to him but he had to get it out now before they did fall into a friendship, at least he thinks now Liam will keep his distance.

“Let me try to get to know you. Who is Zayn Malik? Zayn Malik the person now, present today, alive and kicking. You’re still here fighting to find yourself a better future. Talk to me about nature vs. nurture, talk to me about how you see colours, what you think about the white supremacy, about language and literature, politics, drama, art, love. This you, this creative intelligent, who is so different to anything I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I love that you’re not like me, that you aren’t trying to live out a life that isn’t yours. Where you’re just trying to be perfect all the time. Yeah, I have a fancy house in the middle of Primrose Hill but it’s not what’s important to me. Yeah to you it’s like I’m living a fantasy, but I don’t want you to have that impression of me. Just the way you are, with your prayer rug and old worn prayer book, with this I swear magical unwashed looking hair and half your face covered with a beard, your leather jacket, this one pair of shoes you seem to have, holy shit I wish I had to chance to be this way. To be around people that are this way. I’m sat here hating a life you dream of. I’m not anything ok, just someone that’s been locked up most of his life hiding behind books and dissertations.”

He stops Liam then, he’s heard enough really. He squeezes at his waist – turning them around, so that Liam’s the one pressed up against the counter.

“You have everything Li – after this you have somewhere to go back to, people that love you. A child that adores you – it’s hard for me to even be here right now, because I know I’ll get attached to that little girl but again, my life is what it is, and you’ll probably find some brilliant heart surgeon who will love the pants off you and he wouldn’t want her anywhere close to someone like me. I _can’t_ be here to just be your cliché homeless artist show puppet – ”He’s shut up with a kiss, it’s chaste, but it’s fully on his month and Liam’s not letting up.

“Stop, Stop, Stop – I refuse to let you finish that sentence. Listen you’re right, I don’t know you, but I’d like to, isn’t that enough? Isn’t it enough to just want to? Zayn, I’ve seen your art – you and them are worth so much more than some shitty homeless centre.”

He stops then, doesn’t question Liam on the kiss, doesn’t question Liam’s motives anymore it’s easier he sums, even if he’ll just switch to doing it privately, he won’t win an argument with him. Instead leans into him, sticking his head in the middle of Liam’s chest, smelling the fabric softener, letting himself, for the first time _feel_ what it’s like to be wanted somewhere.

*

Liam’s mum, Karen – as she insists he calls her drops Zarah off around 20 minutes after from her swimming class Liam had taken her too just over an hour earlier. At half 7 a tutor will usually go to their house for a private piano lesson but as Zarah wanted to move into the ward, they had to change the day to a Saturday. It’s all a little bit of a blur, and why a child would choose a hospital wing still overwhelmed with the smell of drying paint and bathroom sealers is beyond him, he means, he could only imagine the luxuries both her and Liam have in their actual home .

*

He’s starting to realise Zarah is a very fuss free sort of child. So placid in her nature you barely remember she’s there. She’s watching some program about fairies on the TV while she eats her dinner. Thanking him over and over before she sits down making him smile like some idiot but its ok, he likes seeing kids happy. He plates up for Liam who sits down next to her and goes to his room to catch up on his prayers. Later when he’s sure both of them are out of the living space, he goes to wash up and tidy the space. He doesn’t eat, not his chicken after all but he doesn’t mind and anyway, there was way too much work to accomplish to worry about food.

*

It starts like that – he can see it – he’s falling into his old pattern again, skipping meals left and right, not exercising as much as he used to, plain refusing to go out with them when Liam asks on weekend. He really does want to blame his workload, but he knows it’s not that. He’s currently looking at the colour palette for the superhero rooms. He’s got work to do, yet, all he wants is go upstairs and sleep.

So he does just that. Tells the men bringing in the things to leave everything in the lobby and he gets into the lift, he can’t deal with this.

It’s been exactly 3 months since he started work here and he’s realising that while he enjoys a challenge, this was way too much. He has to remind himself daily that this is a job for Liam. Something that means he’s with his daughter every night and every morning, every dinner, every rehearsal, every recital, every call and whim. He’s been to 5 events in just 3 months. She’s 5, he never realised how much someone that young could achieve. Then again her dad’s a brain surgeon, god knows what her mother is, it’s there, genetically, it’s all there to help her. He does feel proud though when they take him with them to watch the first time. When dancing – Zarah is utterly gorgeous.

He sighs unrolling his rug and makes his way to the bathroom for Wudu. This will always be the most important thing in his sad life.

*

He makes good progress, in the first 5 months he’s got the nature side of his project ready. All his fairies are stretched and outlined, his elves going in for their second coat of paint in the coming week. He’s started work on his huge Hulk, which will sit in the largest of the private rooms. The one closest to the nurse’s desks – well, the last stop before – it’s the terminal cases that will get the private rooms. He wanted them kids to think they where the biggest, baddest fighters on this planet. It’s why these 10 mascots for courage are so important. As time passed, Zarah had let slip that Batman was Liam’s favourite, so he was the first to finish outlining on. His Iron Man needs some paint as he stands on the ceiling and he’s waiting on the leather look paint for his Catwoman. He’s just plain in love with his Bucky and he’s sure he caught Liam making heart eyes at Thor the other day. He’s got it under control now, even if Liam had taken a step back, he’s still kinda hoping Liam would still be up to paint within the lines.

It’s a Saturday, Zarah’s piano day. They tend to disappear early just after breakfast each week but he stops himself from thinking about what it all means. He’s sat with his laptop emailing the head of the hospital on the progress, she’s coming down to see the changes in a week, she loves the idea of the superheroes and the idea that nothing is permanent for the less serious cases to the point he can’t wait for her visit.

He gets up to walk around, he likes the quiet – revels in the freedom of being able to move around this sheer amount of space like it was his own. He reaches out his hand to touch the wall and starts dragging it with him as he walks. He wants to paint all the examination rooms on the second floor before the end of the week, even though he can’t have anything thing big or bold on the walls, he’s in keeping them with the nature like colours he’s come to adore. Liam’s office is lilac, Zarah’s favourite colour, he’s got one of the better offices on the second floor, there’s a huge window, in the middle that looks over the park. He loves to look out of it whenever he gets the chance – sometimes he thinks its better he didn’t get one on the road – the air wouldn’t be so clean then. He heads to one of the operating rooms – opening the door wide to let it swing back and forth of a while. It should scare him – the quiet – the loneliness – but it doesn’t – just inspires him further. He thinks that a light aqua colour would be best for the operating rooms, not too white but neither is it in your face.

He walks back to Liam’s office, sitting on the hardwood floor then and sighs. When he first started here Liam had promised to take care of him, not that he believed it but he thought that at least he would choose to be around when all of the big decisions had to be taken – and not partly go back to work. It’s like throwing a puppy in a house then leaving it to fend for himself but he can’t complain even if it’s all a little awkward now and he’d give everything to go back to that first day and change everything that’s happened since – at least he’s eating again which is always a good thing with him.

 He gets that he put up his walls the second day he was here and Liam never really forgave him when he saw Zayn didn’t eat, but he hadn’t expected Liam to pull back. He still prods and pocks about the food but as long as Liam doesn’t see him breakdown, which keeps happening, he’s okay.

Most nights he still cooks and cleans, which is something he doesn’t mind but he’s getting tired of the loneliness – not time alone -  just this icy feeling that prevents him from fully opening up , even with a 5 year old child around, he can’t even feel ok around her most days.

“Zayn? Zayn where are you?” It’s Liam, he starts thinking about whether he wants to move out of the room or not but he decides against it, so all he does is sit up from the floor to sit in the window seat instead.

Liam makes it into the room and comes straight to him, picking him up from around his waist, which was odd seeing they barely touch these days and carries him over to his room. Zayn doesn’t protest, then again, he doesn’t mind much either.

“We need to talk.” This time, it’s more of a statement rather than a plea. He knew that one of these days it was coming, but he didn’t know when. He nods and doesn’t say much else, other than climbing into Liam’s bed. Liam mimics, he takes the chance to say his piece.

“When I came here, it was mostly out of sheer luck. They offered me the contract, with full free accommodation, a wage I can live off monthly, enough to save up a little each month. I didn’t expect to be assigned a brain surgeon and his 5 year old daughter. Before I arrived my life, was simple, stay smart, stay alert, stay clean and sober and survive.” He pauses shifting so he’s now looking at Liam.

“Survive _alone_ , then you happened and I just couldn’t. I was wrapping words around sentences that to me didn’t make sense; I was suddenly thrown into fort building and finger painting. I was suddenly looking at you with your fake wedding band to ward off the women, the crinkle in your eyes, that damn birthmark. The way you look after you’ve showered, walking around shirtless showing off your scar less body. It’s hard, when you’re me, to go from nothing to living a domesticated life with a stranger you’ve barely known 5 hours. All we’ve done is kiss once and yet for some reason I can see it all with you. And that’s what’s pulling me away. I can’t attach to something that isn’t mine to love. I can watch, I can sit and watch but you can’t ever be mine and we both know it. You know when you kissed me, that was my first kiss Li,” He says grabbing Liam’s hands with both of his. “That hug that night, my first one in years. No one looked at me and said he needs a good feed and a cuddle, I panic you see, I panic and I don’t function. It’s how I am. Sometimes I forget about it, but then I remember that some people in this world are just meant to be alone for the rest of their lives, that they did something so awfully wrong they have _‘no other half’._ They just have to watch everyone else fall in and out of love and they’re just there, only seen and heard when they’re needed not wanted. Liam _I’m one of those_ and it doesn’t matter what or who you find attractive, you get passed over for the next best thing, more intelligent, more handsome, more stable, less problematic. I carry ghosts around like it’s nothing. Most people are so shocked when they find out things because you just learn to hide it so well. But I’ve been around you for 5 months and I can’t think straight.” He looks away for a second there – embarrassed he let that slip “I can’t even look at you anymore. In 5 months I’m gone you know, I can’t beat a dead horse then. It’s useless though – trying to unattach, it’s one of the hardest decisions I had to take because I love that little girl too much in this short space of time, and I love _you_. You gave me an inch of your time. Time is precious because you can’t get it back it’s why I appreciate it more, even if I’ve spent the last 8 weeks trying to avoid every interaction possible.”

He hunches after that, drops his head in his knees and just refuses to look up. But Liam’s pulling him in, his face falling into Liam’s chest, his legs intertwining with Liam’s as he spreads out, and he sobs, and Liam let’s him, keeps running his fingers up and down Zayn’s spine, over his tummy back up into his hair like his life depended on it.

He falls asleep some time later, and for the first time in about 4 months he actually sleeps.

*

When he wakes up it’s to the beating of Liam’s heartbeat. He’s fucked out, so tired the small lampshade on the other side of the bed is bothering him. Liam’s snoring softly above him, his hands still firmly tucked out Zayn’s waist, and their limbs still enveloped within each other. It’s close to 6 in the evening now, the sun still not quite settled, soft oranges and golds have enveloped the room, and he’s just found the perfect shade for these rooms meant for the parents. He digs out for his phone, slow enough to not disturb Liam too much, and snaps a picture for later. He might have a thing about whether or not to go from sunrise to sunset up here.

He sighs, even with everything that’s just happened – he’s still focused on finishing the job. Even if a part of him wants to drag it out, deadline and all – his main goal is still to finish what he started, a masterpiece for his portfolio that at the moment only seems to make sense in his head.

He shifts when he hears the door to the room open, he plays asleep just in case it’s Karen Payne checking up on them, but it’s only Zarah back from some class of hers. She makes her way to the bed, kicking off her shoes and squeezing into the middle of them. She sighs happily as she turns herself to bury herself against his chest. He can’t resist the urge to hold her however, his arm moving to cup the small of her back, before starting to caress softly. It’s something his grandmother used to do, something that lulled him back into uninterrupted sleep.

*

When he wakes up again, Liam’s gone somewhere and his mood droops. Zarah is still wrapped around him however so he slowly pulls away and tucks her in, pulling the sheets over her and placing her baby blue teddy bear under her arms. She shifts, making herself comfortable, that’s when he turns around to leave.

He finds Liam bumming one of his cigarettes, legs dangling out of the huge bay window as he looks at the night sky. He saunters over to join him.

“Sorry about before,” He says scratching slowly down Liam’s bare back, he’s mark-less, Zayn envies that.

Liam turns slightly and offers him a drag. He takes it slowly before handing it back to Liam, who promptly puts it out against the ashtray.  He turns his head away and takes his time to just inhale it, feel the burn down his throat, his mind screaming for air, hanging on just a little longer, just for the sake of it.

He exhales and Liam kisses him.

It’s not as if he expected it, so he doesn’t kiss back. Liam pulls back, cheeks tinged pink, an excuse ready on the tip of his tongue, but Zayn doesn’t give him the chance. Grabs Liam’s bare shoulders and this time _he_ leans in to kiss him. It’s slow and unhurried, chaste in nature until Liam takes control of it and he’s suddenly being pushed down into the window seat, thighs apart, back arching up trying to find Liam, his hands finding their way up into Liam’s hair just he lets Liam’s tongues his bottom lip asking for entrance, which he gets because this is his first time and he’s so not in charge here.

But then Liam stops, his head pulling back so that he’s just simply looking at Zayn. He’s eyeing him down, the first eye contact they’ve had in weeks, but then Liam leans down to kiss him again, placing gentle kisses all over his forehead, his beard covered jaw line, ears, eyes and finally his mouth. It’s light, almost fluffy, in a way, proving a point so Zayn lets him, for once in his life, he tells his brain to shut up and to just enjoy what Liam wants to give him now. Then he has no regrets once this ends.

Suddenly Liam’s lifting him up, dragging him over to his room and pushing him gently onto the bed. He’s terrified; he doesn’t want to be someone’s charity case.

“We’re not having sex tonight – stop looking so scared Z.” He can’t understand how Liam can be so controlled like this, somehow it turns him on.

“Can you take off your shirt? You don’t have to talk about it, just wanna see you.” He really doesn’t wanna, but for Liam, _anything_.

He sits up slightly to pull his hoodie over his head, it’s weird stripping, it’s laying himself bare in front of someone he adores – he can’t bare rejection. But Liam’s immediately kissing at his scars, from his burn marks to cut marks to knife marks, Liam’s kissing him like it’s the only thing that matters – and for once – he doesn’t feel like it’s forced.

He’s writhing from the sensation of it all; Liam’s finding his pressure points like it’s a game, giggling when Zayn convulses more. He never knew that someone else’s lips on him would make him feel so loved.

*

After, when Liam’s satisfied he flips them around so that Zayn’s sitting over his lap, his hands resting on Liam’s tummy, his back resting against Liam’s drawn up thighs, his thumbs drawing aimless patterns over his thick happy trail. One of Liam’s hands sits on his waist while the other is propped up behind his head for comfort.

“You don’t have to tell me – but someday when you’re ready, I wanna know what happened to you in care, while these,” He continues grabbing up at his wrist to trace of his cut marks with a soft thumb, “ are your doing, I don’t think  the ones that resemble cigarette marks are, am I right?” He nods his head and leans down to rest it on Liam’s heart. He wants to experiment for now, see if his theory is real - the sound of Liam’s beating heart, it stabilises him – downright makes somewhere feel like home

*

He’s quiet for a few days after that, just dealing with his walls, mixing shades to colour each room just right, waiting for the director’s visit. He’s finished the second floor now; all of the work stations are done and dusted. Downstairs the only rooms left to finish where 4 of the private rooms, to which he’s secretly been waiting for Liam to ask if he wants to help. Zarah ended up colouring in his fairies one afternoon, these large scale precious angels, with their own calligraphic names falling under each of them gracefully. If he were honest – these large scale elves and fairies where his favourite thing from this entire collection.

He hears Zarah run into the room he’s working. She’s always so very discreet about things, also so very aware that if anything is moved – the wall would be ruined. She’s taken to sit and read to the fairies, bringing new books from home every week or so, watching him and them – because as the weeks go by – they seem to become more lifelike.

“Daddy needs you upstairs today Zayn,” She says unusually serious “can you meet him in around 20 minutes please?” He nods and she’s off, not before coming over to place a kiss onto his – newly cleanly shaved cheek, after she rushes out to the lift and out of sight for a while. He really does love this child more than he should but he refuses at this point to do anything about it.

*

When he does eventually go back upstairs, he’s got his tongue down the back of his throat he’s so scared. Not of Liam’s plans – hell it _was_ that – he’s not used to that really.

He walks to his room first, washes the paint off his hands and changes his shirt, he slowly shags his hair out – his energy level is nonexistent really. However he guesses – it’s more trying to stall what’s coming.

In the living space – it’s just Liam, who smiles at him as he enters the room. He blushes, staining his cheeks bright scarlet, he’s still getting used to all this acceptance.

“Zarah is staying over at my mum – thought it’d be nice to talk tonight.” Zayn automatically nods, while he’s not entirely sure he’s ready to tell Liam his story, opening up to him more sounds like a decent enough idea.

He walks over to the window seat – it seems their favourite spot in the house and takes Liam’s wine glass out of his hand and downs it much to Liam’s protests. He just laughs and pours more out of the bottle back into the glass and hands it back to Liam – he didn’t usually drink – but he needed that.

“I have this thing about sharing things – I hate it – I hate unloading my problems on people – make myself a burden – some goodwill charity case. Since I’ve known you – I’ve understood that some people get to live this uninterrupted life – in this bubble. It’s not just you – it’s everyone here. You’re all so busy trying to be something you forget that there is a world out there that is so terribly horrid and messed up that it makes simply breathing a chore. It’s why I can’t – for now share things – you’ve lived sheltered your entire life – you studied – did well in school, learnt to be successful in your own right – and I’m proud of you for it Li, but exposing you to my world – it would be like dropping a bomb in the middle of this room. With the greatest of respects – you have this privilege that comes with the nature of your job. Security, safety – happiness, it’s all just there your entire life – when most of us have to work our entire lives and still not achieve anything really.”

Liam sighs, but instead of getting up to leave, he just swivels around so that they’re now sitting facing each other.

“I know you don’t trust me enough to let me in. I get that you think I’m some rich doctor with no time for you – I get that you see my life and think you’re living in some dream – “

“I’m glad you see all that – but what I want to know is why are you chasing after some kid, when you can have any man you’d like Li, that’s the thing, why are you so serious about all this – why can’t you see that you’re worth so much more than this – so much more than a riddle full of issues. You deserve the world Liam and I just can’t give you that.” It’s heavy and sad, and by the end of it his voice is shaky and his hands are damp, but it’s the truth – finally laid bare – and while it should hurt – it doesn’t, it’s actually somewhat liberating.

Liam clasps out for his hands, his eyes laced thick with tears that just shouldn’t be there and his hands are holding Zayn’s so tightly it hurts a little.

“See Zayn – to me you aren’t some child, to me you’re so much more than that. I know you’ve seen the ghastly side of this world of ours twice over – but I just want to show you not everyone is out to hurt you – not everyone has some vendetta against you. You’re so sweet you know, _all the time_. You treat Zarah with so much respect and you give her so much knowledge. You also have been my reality check. Seeing you work every day, give one thing so much love and attention – till it’s exactly like you wanted – it’s a huge thing for me. You see I pulled us back too; I got scared of what all this might mean too. So I put here in extra classes she doesn’t need, I started to leave you for longer periods, I wanted to believe I wasn’t falling for a 19 year old – someone in nappies when I started secondary school – but it’s happened Zayn, it’s happened and I can’t stop it.”

He whines, he can’t help it, Liam shouldn’t be saying these things to _him._ He doesn’t deserve this – none of this – yet here they were, in a fancy hospital block in the middle of London, looking over the city from behind a glass wall that is usually reserved for the rich.

“I’m just issues Liam, issues, up, down, top to bottom, I just cause issues.”

“Stop this talk, I can’t listen to you saying these things yeah, they kinda hurt me, now come here.” He says before he pulls Zayn into his chest. He can feel Liam dropping kisses into his hair. While he’s not really onboard yet – _that_ feels wonderful.

*

The next day when Zarah comes back and finds them sharing the bed, she starts screaming _its happened its happened_ so loudly she wakes them up, making Zayn smile widely before tugging himself into Liam’s chest further just as Liam’s softly dropping kisses into his ear in reassurance.

And that’s that.

*

It takes him a couple of days to settle his nerves. He’s waiting for someone to pop out and say haha this is a joke of course someone like Liam won’t ever want you, but none of that happens, instead he’s been invited over to lunch at the Payne’s house next Sunday.

At the moment – he really doesn’t have all that time to think about it. The Director is coming out to visit the ward in less than 2 days and he’s got to finish the ground floor now seeing there is only 2 private rooms to go.

He feels Liam however backing him up against the kitchen counter just as he’s done with the morning plates.

Liam’s arms automatically go to cup his waist, his head leaning in to press a kiss into Zayn’s shoulder. He smiles and stretches his neck, accommodating.

“Morning you – school run done?” He asks.

Liam nuzzles into his neck; he’ll take that as a yes and Zayn sighs contentedly.

“You wanna paint Batman this morning?” He asks his own hands going in search of Liam’s back pockets, “Kinda been putting him last to ask you, him or Romanova only two left to do.”

Liam chuckles, “I’ll go with Batman – kinda might need help with not messing it up though.”

“Already told you it’s too easy to mess up with all the sketching being done Li, it’s like a colouring book on a wall.”

“Can we like – still do it together?”

He smiles “As you wish, but if I can finish both floors the only thing left then is up here. Might get out of your hair earlier.”

“Understand you aren’t going anywhere.” Liam saying gently biting into his shirt. He bites down into his bottom lip and doesn’t say anything.

*

It turns out to be one of his favourite days, even if they end up half covered in black paint by the end of it. He doesn’t care that he’s got yellow splashing over his bare torso, his hands somewhat green even if they didn’t use that colour today. He’s squirming to get out of Liam’s grip, laughing loudly and giggling like a school boy – almost _happy_ and he loves it.

He doesn’t notice Karen watching, doesn’t notice her taking pictures, doesn’t notice her squealing happily when Liam leans down to kiss him.

He’s not embarrassed as such – just insecure, it’s why he hides so forcefully behind Liam when she does make herself known.

It doesn’t matter anyway though – she’s seen – she’s seen everything and her face says it all.

He sits up – ready to leave – assuming she’d want to have a word with Liam, but instead, she comes up to him, takes his hand and leads him upstairs.

She runs a bath and makes him get in with his boxers on, shuts the door and slowly starts dabbing warm water all over his chest and back.

“You know – when Liam was little – he had a friend in class that was beaten daily, every night after school – Liam used to come home crying for a while, before the screaming started – anger you see. Geoff – Liam’s dad – he wasn’t the sort you see, Liam grew up well loved and well cared for, but when Liam saw the belt buckle slashes across this girl’s back, in Grade 4 he just couldn’t understand why or how someone could be so harsh.”

It strikes him – it explains why Liam was the way he was with him. Karen was a docile woman, very calm and collected, with her fair hair neatly pinned up in a loose bun, some hair falling into her face after a long day at work. Her blue eyes shining with held back tears, like she’s fighting against anger and worry, her hands however – so soft and warm against his skin. She was washing off the paint, in a slow benign manner. Taking care of him – like a mother _should_ – He sighs.

Meekly he says, “Can you call him?”

She nods and reaches out for a towel before opening the door to go find Liam. He’s there though, sat behind the door waiting patiently until his mother was finished. She gasps, nearly stepping over him and Zarah, who’s sat in his lap – like she’s his safety blanket.

Karen looks at him and bends down to pick Zarah up walking out of his room and closing the door, only then does Liam stand up to walk in.

Zayn points to the empty side of the bath, he doesn’t need to say anything. Liam takes off his own set of clothes and gets in behind him so he turns around. He’s still covered in sweat and paint, so the first task at hand is to clean him off. Zayn takes the face cloth and starts to slowly dab, just like Karen did to him.

“When I was 9,” He starts, and it’s slow and timid, his tongue folding around words that haven’t been said yet. He’s almost shy about actually doing this, but now he knows – it’s the right time.

“When I was 9 – I was placed in an all white, all boys foster house. That family had 6 boys including me and I was used as their scapegoat. The man – he used to get off on the pain he caused. I was used as an ashtray really – it’s all these on my back any time one of the others decided to make anything up about me.” Liam’s fingers immediately went to his marks, then slowly dropping down to the knife wound over his back. “That one was just before I was moved, the doctors says I was around 4 mm close to being paralysed.” Liam gasps and he sighs, it is what it is.

Liam’s hand then pulls him back so that he’s resting his head just underneath Liam’s collarbone. Liam then rests it just above his belly button, bringing both of his hands over his stomach, he doesn’t say anything, just holds him – so he keeps talking.

“I stayed there for a year, moved back into an orphanage after I was taken to hospital, stayed there till some lovely couple came to visit and the concept of adoption was first explained. They wanted a boy – There were only 5 of us – all either Asian or Black – they went home with a blonde blue eyed little girl – and that’s when I finally understood I was the _other_. That’s when I started to run away – I was 13. It’s like the concept of – nobody wants you – why not disappear. I had stopped praying, started doing everything I shouldn’t have been doing – got this – he points to his first tattoo – his ying yang on his left arm when I was 14. I fell into a deep depression, stopped eating completely, you know these,” He says pointing to his self harm scars, “This one,” his thumb rubbing over his left arm again, over one long pink mark from just before his elbow bend to his wrist, “that’s my 15 th birthday gift to myself and this one,” he says holding up his other one with the same type scar running through it is my 16th’s.” It’s harder to see it on his right arm, seeing his 17th birthday he spent at a tattoo parlour trying to cover up the evidence with an entire sleeve of nonsense. Sometimes he thinks it’s why he got so many tattoos all at once, that somewhere in his brain there was this underlying concept of – it’s better to be like this then _brown_.

“Last year someone at the care home got wind of my sketch books and signed them into a competition, they won. I started to clean myself up after that, stopped the partying, the cutting, everything and started to work on commissions, It’s how I’ve been getting work, it’s how I got this job – word of mouth you know.”

He looks up at Liam then, who takes his hands and squeezes them tightly. Then lifts them up and out of the bath, settling a towel over Zayn and lifts him over his shoulder. He checks to make sure Zarah isn’t around, but it seemed that Karen had taken her out for a bit and pads out over to his room, locking the door. He throws a towel over himself as well and brings in Zayn into a hug. When he lets go, it’s to go in search for dry pairs of underwear, pushing Zayn into his bathroom and closes the door to change. When he comes out Liam’s in a pair of sweatpants. He opens his arms and Zayn falls into them. He drags them to the bed and he falls into exhausted unbroken sleep that lasts two days.

*

When he wakes up he’s got Zarah playing with his hair, tangled up in bed next to him, still in her pyjamas. It’s Saturday he guesses, the day she’s supposed to visit. He panics for a little bit, but then Liam comes in and sits on the bed his fingers playing up Zayn’s calf.

“Soooo,” he drawls out “I kinda finished the black widow for you and cleaned up everywhere so it’s presentable, but I’m not you Z, she’s not perfect and as of now you have exactly 4 hours to make her so.” He smiles – over time – they’ve all fallen into turning his murals into real people. He giggles happily then, bless him. He makes grabby hands like a baby at Liam, which pipes a chuckle out of him, but he’s coming up to him, immediately kissing his forehead before he settles. “I see you’re now 5.” He whispers in his ear. Zayn slaps his cheek lightly with his free hand, but then Liam catches it, kisses his fingers and keeps hold of it against his mouth.

He’s kind of in love with these types of touches; it’s breaking to his walls.

“You still wanna be around me – um after everything?” He already knows somewhere in his brain that it’s a yes, but he needs confirmation from Liam – directly.

“Yeah you donut.” Liam smiles at him – Liam’s not big on endearments really – far too serious for that – unless he’s speaking to Zarah, that’s a different ball game. So it’s an extra added touch for him.

“Was gonna ask you if you’d like to move in with us once this ends. We’d kinda be lost without you.”

“Pretty please.” Zarah chuckles remembering she’s actually awake. She smiles at him as she climbs on top of his chest, her head coming down to rest on his heart.

“That’s what I mean, she was crying her eyes out because she thought you died the other day, she’s been in here with you just about this entire time. It’d be hard to not have you around us constantly Z.”

He’s not sure whether he’s ready for that type of life, but he nods his head and turns round to face Liam, his fingers slowly letting go to cup Liam’s jaw.

“I’d love to Li.” Liam reaches down to kiss him.

“Love you.” Liam says, it’s whispered, his lips still ghosting over his , making Zayn question if it’s just his wishful thinking, but then Liam says it again, _I love you_ and his world kinda explodes, but Liam’s jumping off the bed laughing like he’s found Atlantis, running off somewhere, making him sit up to go find him. He shifts Zarah onto his hips before making his way down the lift. Liam’s there, on the ground floor – waiting for them on the floor in front of the arch that leads into the private rooms.

“Go look,” Zarah says just as they come up to Liam, “It’s amazing.”

“Please don’t big me up baby girl, love you though.” Liam laughs out as he presses a kiss to her forehead.

“Liam have you washed the floor?” He says as he looks around.

Li blushes, his hands clasping together like he’s ashamed of it. “Kinda.”

“Don’t.” He smiles, this time kissing Liam’s nose and gripping for his hand. It’s new this for him, initiating touches, and even if Liam’s that much older than him – sometimes everyone needs reassurance.

They walk into the room together – and no ok, it’s not up to his standards – but for someone who didn’t know how to hold a paintbrush a while ago – it was marvellous.

He sets Zarah down and starts mixing the paint again letting her help him just so she’s quiet. Liam shifts back to cleaning up – they made this space their home, Zayn’s canvas. He didn’t exactly pick up after himself but Liam had mainly threw out all the empty stuff, and disrobing the floors from their plastic covers, they can finally see the dark wood flooring that ebbs it’s way around the entirety of the building.

A little later – when he’s holding Zarah’s hand to brush over the last coat, there is a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on – you have around half an hour to clean up yeah?” He nods and leaves them to go upstairs.

This is it.

*

The minute he steps out of his room Liam douses him in after shave. Something expensive no doubt but he doesn’t mind. He smiles as he goes to pull his hair back into a ponytail, but Liam stops him, gathers up half of it and swivels it into a bun. He’s not even impressed with him at this point. He’s got a five year old daughter. He throws on his denim jacket and presses a kiss to Liam’s lips before sidestepping him to go pick up Zarah. He smiles at her, her piano lesson postponed later for the day because she flat out refused to go. She leans forward to press a kiss to his jaw.  He’s never realised children have this innocent yet captivating capacity to love so freely.

Its quarter to when she arrives, he’s standing by the nurses’ desk, only slightly nervous now that he’s got Liam there by his side.

“Mr Malik! So nice to finally meet you,” She smiles taking his hand, shaking it firmly, “I see you’ve taken the liberty to draw around the sign outside, what a lovely idea! You’re such a pleasure to work with.” She withdraws warmly and turns to Liam. “Doctor Payne, how lovely to see you again.” Liam smiles tightly, and shakes her hand. Liam isn’t comfortable with something like this – who would have known.

“Can we go see the fairies now?” He hears Zarah’s voice cutting through the ice and he chuckles. “Yes sweetie,” He replies, “Right this way if you please.” He gestures so that she passes in front of them. He notices Liam playing with his wedding band. It’s a thing he does when he’s nervous, so he simply bumps up to him and squeezes his arm. She’s brought with her some photographer from the local newspaper who keeps whizzing around them, flitting around like a bee.

“Oh Zayn, these are magical.” She says, “look at these trees as well, are those fairy rings? Oh dear you even fitted pixies and elves. It’s beautiful – God bless your soul – this is captivating...”

He blushes, his cheeks tingling with embarrassment. He’s never liked people critiquing his work – even if it’s positive.

“Can I see more?”

So he leads her, leads her around the rooms that have been his entire existence for the last few months, through the icy shades of winter, winding into the glorious shades of spring, skipping and jumping straight into the summer and finally out into the ever splendid colours of autumn. As he made sure to run his lines down throughout his entire building – you get instances when blue and white meet peach and yellow, where winter meets spring, where the cycle is broken and another starts, where there is hope for change.

This was one of his very first inspirations, and even if he loves his superheroes – emotionally Zayn was very much more connected to this part. He guesses it’s because he’s grew up in an environment that was constantly shifting – allowing him to always hope for the better – the brighter – that distant future where everything was just fine.

He opens the first private room – his hulk – and she’s once again gaping. He smiles and leads her through to see his collection, his Stark standing proudly – the room enveloped in red paint contrasting quite impeccably with the lighter red white and blue of Captain America next door which in turn juxtaposes the silver and yellow for Thor in room four – bringing softness to the room quite nicely. So it goes on, room by room she looks like she’s entered some magical world only see has access to and by the time they reach the stairs that could lead them up to the second floor, she’s forgets that she’s here on a professional matter and hugs him.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” She’s gushing, “Someone could have easily made everywhere pink and blue and left us like that. The children have been so excited about the prospect of having somewhere brand new to live; I honestly just don’t know what to say.”

“There is nothing to say, other than listen to this design layout for up here yes?”

“Wait is this floor finished as well?” She says as she rushes up to see. Liam looks at him laughing and grabs his fingers to run up after her.

“Yes ma’am, I’ve kept it quite simple.” He finally says when they stop. “I picked out the spring colours to go into each room. All 4 operating room have been finished in a light aquatic colour to take out the sterilisation of it all. All the doctor offices colours have been chosen by themselves and painted. For example – Liam’s is a colour Zarah picked out – a light shade of lilac. For me – it’s important I have the input of those that are going to be in the room for the majority of the day for the next good 10 years of their lives. I hope I didn’t step on any toes.” He says smiling up at Liam who’s currently standing a little bit away from him. Liam smiles back, nodding his head happily, so he continues,   “At this moment I’m working on a colour that would compliment all the upstairs private bedrooms for the parents. As it stands right now, it’s far too crisp and clean, they can’t unwind in a place that reminds them they’re in a hospital.”

“You’re too good for us.”

“No ma’am, this is my biggest break.”

“I know,” She says smiling at him. “In 5 months time when this place is officially opened, I’ve lined up a few graphic design companies who are itching to take you on, if you’re planning to take up residence in London that is.”

He doesn’t know what to say exactly, his eyes find Liam’s who’s grinning at him – and he’s got Zarah pulling at his ear as if to say _, say it say it_. “I am planning – actually on moving in with Liam for a while. So I’m free yes.”

“Good.” She smiles turning to Liam. She shakes his hand and just whispers _take care of him._ To which Liam nods shyly his eyes finding his.

He thinks he’s passed the test.

*

After – when they’ve washed and fed Zarah they look at each other and simply smile. Lately she’s been asking for him to read to her before she sleeps, she’s asked for Zayn to wash and dress her today, she’s even let him plait her long hair hers. If he were honest, while he still wasn’t sure if any of this was real – Zarah approving was going to be the biggest challenge.

*

“Wanna celebrate tonight Z.” He stiffens at the words. He’s not ready for what he thinks Liam has in mind. They’re just sat on the sofa watching the late news – only managing to lull her off to sleep about 20 minutes ago. Before the comment – Zayn’s head was resting against Liam’s shoulder, his legs bunched up underneath him  and his fingers playing around with Liam’s – well, more rather – Liam’s band – a habit of sorts, but now his head’s strung up straight and his legs automatically find their way to the floor – because  he just – _can’t._

However Liam grabs his shoulder, his strong grip holding him down.

“Didn’t mean like that you donut.” Liam smiles at him – and his face must have visibly relaxed because Liam lets him go. “I’m not going to make you do something you aren’t ready for but seeing she’s in your bed tonight – figured it’d be a good time to start sharing beds and like our wardrobes – been itching to go back to work in some of your dress shirts. I don’t know Zayn – just make it official really.”

He doesn’t reply immediately – he still questions Liam’s motives – just not out loud anymore.

“I think I’d really like that.” He says in a sleep heavy voice – suddenly shattered.

“It’s like this you – this is the start to your entire future – wanna be there to support you if you’d let me.”

“I’d like that – I don’t rely on people much Li you know that – but you and that little girl – it’s my world – you’re everything really.”

“I know – and by the way – really did mean what I said this morning.”

“I know – and it’s what scares me.” Liam doesn’t say anything after that, just pulls him in closer to his chest. Zayn likes it like this, with just the quiet lull of the television to fill the silence. He looks out of the window just to see the city still wide awake at this time of night – and he contemplates what his life could throw him next. A few short months ago he never thought he’d find someone that wanted him back – someone that gave him the space and the time to fall into himself – make himself comfortable – someone just there for his needs. Yes he was there on a job – but looking up at Liam now – with his face only lit from blue hue from the T.V that envelops him– he thinks – maybe – now, it’s more than just that.”

*

The next day he wakes up to Zarah jumping to the – _their_ bed singing some One Direction song while trying to tickle Liam awake – who giggles loudly trying to get her back. It makes the bed rock and his heart heavy – when stuff like that happens he remembers that he doesn’t really belong here. But then Zarah is grabbing his arm to pull him closer, so he shuffles to accommodate – she lies in between – grabbing both his and Liam’s hands and entwines them together.  Liam looks at him over her head and smiles; it’s innocent in nature – a look he’s learning fast he adores on him. So he squeezes and Liam’s face lights up so fast – it’s almost magical. Liam presses back before making a slight pulling gesture. He gets it – but since Zarah’s present he decides it’s better to tickle him. He whispers slowly in her ear and she’s on him immediately – the sound of laughter filling up the room. Full of life – he thinks as he sits up – a life full of happiness. He stays like that – listening and watching until Zarah grabs his shirt and pulls him over her and Liam. He’s being faced with Liam’s face up close now, those big eyes looking down at him with so much curiosity and wonder it makes his heart melt.

Liam presses a kiss to his forehead. “You think too much you know?”

He smiles up at him – nods slightly but doesn’t say anything, instead laying his head onto Liam’s chest hearing his heartbeat. It’s when he hears Zarah fiddling with Liam’s phone before the sound of picture taking is going off and she’s giggling like mad. Liam makes grabby hands at her to take the phone away but she only just moves back and takes more. She does hand it over after that though – he just smiles and closes his eyes – he’s not happy – but he is content.

*

Later after he’s finished his noon prayers he’s sitting on the floor in front of the tv sketching nonsense. Not really – maybe it’s the slope of Liam’s nose that’s come out and the shape of his shoulders and the contour of his mouth – but he doesn’t care – he’s been itching lately to sketch them – Zarah and her now past her waistline golden brown wavy her and those ever piercing green eyes and _Liam_. He’s been itching to draw him into his pad – to sketch him into his life. And no he isn’t sure what will happen in the next couple of months – maybe Liam’ would have had enough waiting till then – but at this moment he doesn’t mind – they’re making everything ok.

He feels hands then – over his eyes – going up into his hair and gathering it up to place to secure it with a bauble. He automatically goes to push his glasses up – he doesn’t really need them if it’s not for reading but sometimes – well – it’s aesthetics.

“You look way to hot doing that with your hair down like that Z – doesn’t help that you’re a lip biter when concentrating either little devil.” Liam explains smiling as he looks up at him – he’s a little perplexed if he were honest. “And stop that too – you made it even worse now.” He says running the tip of his fingers down his neck. Zayn laughs – loud and happy. “How horny are you right now?” He asks sweetly drawing out his tongue licking his lips and biting on his bottom half – just for Liam’s sake of course.

Liam blushes and sits down next to him. Zayn goes to close his pad. “Alot – you’re kinda really hard to look at yet not touch you.”

He’s not ready – he knows that – but he is considering it for the near future.

“Soon ok – Sorry – at the moment I don’t think I’d bear being touched like that – you know – that’s for the elite few – it feels like I don’t deserve it.”

Liam sighs but doesn’t complain – “Oh I know Z, didn’t mean to feel like I’m pressuring you.”

He pulls Liam into him, “You aren’t – I’m just saying, soon – maybe when this stops feeling like a dream you know?”

Liam nods and kisses his cheek as his arms go round his waist so that he’s holding Zayn too. Tentatively he presses a kiss to Liam’s hair – nothing happens – he’s perfectly allowed to do that – he exhales in relief.

They stay like that until Zarah gets home from spending the day with her grandparents. She’s going on a school trip to London Zoo tomorrow and she wanted reassurance that no penguins don’t bite and no matter how much Liam told her that they don’t – she needed to hear it from grandpa Payne himself. He smiles at the childishness of it all – then again she’s only 5.

“Daddy – when are you taking Zayn out to dinner?” She asks as they’re sat around the breakfast bar eating dinner. They do that now – seeing Liam’s partly gone back to work consulting and mentoring, they have stuff to talk about. He stiffens at her words though. Liam’s really tried to hide this away. He even wears his fake wedding band to further prove the point. All Liam does is gentle smile at her. “Soon, sweetheart – soon.” He says sweetly while looking at him. He doesn’t say anything – or look back for that matter. Just gets up and starts clearing the dirty plates away.

*

Later with dinner at the Payne’s forgotten about; he puts Zarah to bed, takes a shower and does his final session of prayer. It’s when Liam comes in to observe him. He’s never really done that before – he’s heard Zarah asking about it – and what language he speaks when he does them – catching the tail end of conversations as they’re shut down the minute he enters the room so he finds it weird that he’s come in.

He quickly says his closing prayers then sits up, putting his socks back on because even though it’s June he still gets cold, and rolls up his mat. He’ll catch up with the reading of the Qu’ran later.

He turns to look at him them – he feels vulnerable now for some reason, so his eyes finds his knees and stay there.

“Does it piss you off that we haven’t gone on a date yet?” Liam questions quietly coming down to sit in front of him.

“I can’t really get mad Li – this is more than enough for me. I just want whatever you want to give me ok? One thing though – won’t be your dirty little secret.”

Liam gasps – and he’s proud of himself for finally after 19 years finding his voice. His sense of worth hasn’t improved – but at least now he’s not scared of his own shadow.

He pulls back, retracting into himself but Liam’s grabbing at his elbows pulling him up and throwing them on the bed. He stands to lock the door – something he never does – and Zayn panics – he’s scared.

“Do you really think that’s all you are to me?” It’s soft – but it stings him so bad he might as well had been screaming at him.

He doesn’t reply then – just grabs his pillow and holds it over his head – it’s his coping mechanism to anyone that shouts at him – it doesn’t even have to be shouting – any voice louder that usual and he if he’s able to – he’ll leg it – get out of there so fast no one would know he was even there.

After a bit he feels the bed shift – pressure – as Liam sits down on it again. Gently he takes the pillow off his head and cups his face. Zayn doesn’t do anything – just keep his eyes shut and waits.

“I’m sorry I got mad.” Liam starts, “Didn’t mean to Zayn – please believe me.” Liam’s rubbing his thumb over his cheekbones and his little fingers just underneath his ears. He likes the sensation of being touched like that so he lingers just a bit longer.

“I think – ” He says slowly, “I think sometimes – that you have not other use for me in your life other than the completion of this job. I think that you’d never give up that ring. I think you’re way too caught up in trying to be perfect that you’ve forgotten I’d still like to do the same things, the silly things, maybe childish things to you. I don’t want much – just always wanted your time if I’m honest, but how long will you wait till you’re bored of waiting and go find someone that’s actually down to fuck.”

“Zayn, Zayn stop – not this rubbish again.” He jumps back then – it wasn’t rubbish – it wasn’t rubbish to him – that’s not fair.

“Listen – I’m 19 years old with currently 4k to my name. You’re 29 with everything you’d ever need. You could walk into some club tomorrow and get laid – beside you people barely looked at me – what you said to her tonight – made me wake up – of course you’re not ready for a date – you don’t want one. I was just being stup- “He’s cut off before he could finish – Liam’s grabbed his head again and pushed him down further in the bed – kissing him furiously – as if to prove a point.

“Listen,” Liam’s saying as he pulls away to sit on top of him – “I can’t believe you still think that. I didn’t say I didn’t want to take you on a date – I said soon – meaning I booked us into Shoreditch house next weekend.”

He’s left stunned for a moment. “How did you get us into Shoreditch house?”

Liam smiles – “I’ve was invited to join about 4 years ago.”

“That’s crazy shit.” He says smiling before flipping them over so now Liam’s lying on the bed.

“Sorry I assume Liam – bad stuff is all I know.”

Liam pulls him down by the collar of his shirt.

“Babe I know you enough by now to know that.” Liam’s laughing, “Just don’t panic on me so much ok.” Zayn knows he does that too much – he can’t help it sometimes.

 He smiles around words he can’t say yet – “You’re far to patient with me.” He whispers slowly, “Now please take this off.” He tugs at Liam’s tank top, eyes travelling up to find Liam’s and maybe he’s pouting just a little. Liam smirks, so he sits up to allow the space – “Got used to you shirtless way too much.” Liam chuckles but sits up to do as he asks.

Zayn grins so widely his face might fall off. He does something odd after however. Instead of lying back down he reaches for his hand and swivels out his wedding band and slowly lobs it at Zayn.

“Keep it Z.”

What a way to make a statement.

*

A week goes by like that – then it’s 3 before he knows it and by the forth week he thinks he’s found his forever. They go boxing occasionally. Liam practically falling over himself when how good he was. He smiles at himself every time they try to train now - Liam just refuses to believe it.

He’s finished everywhere now give or take – the only things left is skirting boards for the top floor section and he’s officially finished 4 months ahead of his deadline. He’s got Liam on one hand putting everything back into boxes. They’re filling up the hall quite easily and Zarah on his left helping him with the last few touches on the wall. She’s pretty well accustomed to the brush now – he’s even asked Liam to put her in classes. While his was a gift his grandmother found – he didn’t have the money or the support to train professionally. Sticking to it was what made him better. Practice makes perfect he reminds himself.

He smiles as he sees she’s adopted his method of concentration – sticking he tongue in between her teeth and biting softly – she’s adorable in her own way.

The weekend away was lovely. It felt so amazing to be catered for, for once. Liam’s now taken to bringing him coffee in bed every morning. He’s also realised he’s just about stopped his smoking – as it stands his life was stress free – and in a healthy position mentally – in a tiny way – Zayn’s very proud of himself.

Cold hands run up to the middle of his shirtless back like Liam had just opened the freezer door on them. He wiggles away laughing before turning round to dab paint over Liam’s nose with his paint brush – this time causing fits and giggles from Zarah – who’s apparently stopped what she was doing to watch them act like idiots.

She rushes up to them – automatically he bends down to pick her up. Liam doesn’t even try anymore – he knows she’ll just run into him. It’s weird considering he’s only been in her life for 6 months but neither of them really make a fuss over it.

When he’s upright she leans in to whisper something in Liam’s ear. He nods and her green eyes sparkle with happiness. She kisses his cheek – then his and asks him to put her down. The minute she’s on her feet she’s rushing into their room and closing the door after her. He takes the opportunity to brush off the extra paint on Liam’s chest, making swirls around his nipples and a straight line down the middle stopping just above his boxers.

They’ve not really progressed sexually – but it’s getting there slowly, accommodating to his needs. He’s now comfortable enough to get off in front of Liam – but because of Zarah those times have been stolen – a rarity he realises. All because there is a child present 95% of the time.

Liam’s smiling at him so widely he swears by God that the paint is making him glow even brighter. He eventually decided against putting dark colours up here – instead going to a brilliant beautiful gold as a base colour – he ended up putting in red just because he wanted to achieve a much richer look. Like that of a sunrise – he remembers his pictures – and now it matches impeccably.

Liam leans in and kisses him – taking him out of his musings and into his real world now again. He looks at Liam – smirking and takes the brush again to paint strips over Liam’s forehead, four smaller lines on this cheekbones and another down his chin. Liam lets him – that’s the thing – Liam always lets him – he doesn’t know what he should be feeling over that. He turns his head for a moment and suddenly Liam’s dropping him onto the floor covers with a little bump. They’re giggling like schoolboys but they don’t care – especially when Liam’s sitting on his dick like that causing him that just right amount of pressure that has very much the capability to make him get hard.

“She’s just asked if she could call mum to spend the week over until we moved back and settled things. I said yes of course.” Liam’s whispering lowly at him his lips just ghosting over his.

“You still want me around?” He replies without whispering, bringing Liam out of his lull.

  
“Is that even a question?”

 

“I don’t know Liam – just want to be double sure.”

“I’m sure – you and this place – you’re part of me now.”

“I’m so glad it’s mutual.” Liam teases instead of replying. He gentle starts rocking his hips back and forth – further grinding into his dick. He stops himself moaning loudly because he pulls Liam down into a kiss. “We need to be adults about this.” He whispers, “She literally could come out now.” Liam sighs – he can’t retort anything back – he knows Zayn’s right. So he simply steals another kiss off his lips and gets up off of him.

“Hey Li – try me after her birthday party next week when we’ve gone home – might be ready by then.” He chuckles – because Liam’s jaw quite literally hits the floor and he’s suddenly rushing over to Zayn like he’s genuinely the best thing to exist in the world after Zarah.

“You’ve just made me the happiest man alive Mr.Malik.” He blushes, “Shut it – don’t call me that.” “What would you prefer then?” Liam teases, biting onto his bottom lip, drawing it out before coming back to slowly ask for entrance into his mouth to further it into a kiss. He pulls back instead. “Dunno really – would like to think you’d take Malik. William Malik sounds better than Zayn Payne.” Liam laughs –“you’ve got a massive point.” Liam concedes, kissing him chastely this time. “Might actually think about it.”

And that’s that.

*

“So it doesn’t bother you I’m 19?” He’s lowly asking Karen as they’re sat out in Liam’s back garden – still enjoying the last of the peace and quiet before an entire shipment of 5 year olds storms the house. It’s Zarah’s birthday today. The day is about her – but it’s the first time he’s ever been alone in the company of Mrs. Payne – he couldn’t resist the questions.

She moves closer to him and sits herself next to him on the swinging chair, taking his hand and squeezing. “Not for one minute did it ever bother me. He gets to chose who he wants to love. I don’t have a say in it and I certainly won’t dictate him on this topic.”

He turns his head to look at her, she smiles at him and lays her head on his shoulder.

“You know, Zarah’s mum took off when Liam was just 24, straight out of uni – green as you can be. She was a dancer. Got a major contract to work in one of Brussels best ballet schools. She didn’t want a kid and a man. She wanted a career, a job that took her over the world – a life that Liam couldn’t give her. She left the day she got out of hospital. Leaving us with a un – registered child and a bag containing around a thousand pounds. Liam had just got into post grad med school at King’s and the idea of a baby – shattered him. It’s why he ended up switching to residency. He needed to be on a job – actually getting paid – not locking his butt in a library for another 4 years of his life. After Zarah – he forgot what it’s like to be just our Liam. He never brought anyone around anymore. Never left her with us to go out – he lost most of his friends because they were off building careers and didn’t have time to entertain a child. In two years he bought us a house – he moved his father down from Wolverhampton, away from everything he’d ever known his entire life because he was that set on giving us that much of a better future. Liam doesn’t love easily – but he pretty much fell for you the minute he saw you – going as far as coming to our house to look up your work, and don’t look at me like that.” She’s looking up at him now, almost laughing, “Yesterday, he was on about you saying something about who’d take the surname if you married – Zayn, Liam’s never wanted to get married and here you have him considering it after barely half a year. You’re special – begin to believe that, for Liam’s sake ok.”

He shifts so that his arm goes around her, she in return moves so that she’s now leaning on his chest. Her hold on his free hand tightens and they stay like that for a good ten minutes – allowing him time to try to absorb what she just said.

“I think with me –” He starts slowly – she immediately lifts her head up to hear what he has to say, “It’s more of a thing – not belonging. I’m some mixed raced kid from Bradford you know – and then I arrive here and he’s showing me a life that for me only exists in dreams. I think I’ve seen more of London than your average tourist – and it’s all down to him and his let’s go for a little adventure today talks. I go from living in an assisted living – wards of courts complex to this amazing emptied out hospital wing with shower heads that are made of granite. He’s got this amazing little girl that looks at him like he’s a God and a set of parents that would rather die than have him injured. That’s always been my biggest thing – that feeling of, once he’s not in need of me anymore – he’d just toss me away like everyone before him.” It’s hard saying these things to his mother – extremely – especially when she slides her eyes shut and tightens her grip on his hand. He knows it must hurt her to hear such things – he knows – it hurts thinking them.

She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “Zayn – I don’t quite think you realise what you’ve gained over here. You’ve not just gained a life of dreams. You have acquired us, this family unit that so willingly wants you to feel a part of. It’s not just Liam and Zarah – its Geoff and me and Liam’s sisters. We take family seriously. I don’t mean to be rude – but your parents chose themselves over you. They chose to skip off to another country and disappear like they didn’t leave a 2 year old behind. I get that you don’t trust us – hell from what I know you barely trust Li – but just see this as a do over. If you want to – we’re willing to help you through university. We know – you’re far too bright and talented to not do something about it.” 

He knows she’s right – knows that when his parents left for Pakistan with nothing more than the clothes on their back – they were making a huge mistake. He can’t change the past – he’s gotta live with the knowledge that they never truly wanted him – but now that he knows the same thing had happened to Zarah – if Liam lets him – he won’t be away for a single day of her life.

“Thank you – I don’t know what to say other than thank you.” She smiles and sits them up; as they stand upright she tucks her hand between his and keeps it there. As they start to walk she laughs happily and says, _darling it’s nothing._

And maybe he thinks – that’s what a real mother is. Someone who doesn’t walk out on her kids, someone that always puts them first. Someone, who would lay her life down on the line for the sake of seeing her child succeeding. A woman that takes her child’s choices and deals with them as best she could – without making it seem like it’s the end of the world. She’s sticking with Liam and the decision he’s making in keeping him in his life – and she’s opening up not only her family – but also her heart to him.

He has so much admiration for her he doesn’t know where to begin.

*

Later – in between the game playing and the cake cutting – Zarah finds him sitting in the library sketching. She’s got face paint all over her and remnants of cake around her mouth. Her bright purple tutu covered in glitter that runs the entire length of her body. He’s about to question what she’s doing up here but she walks straight up to him and jumps on the huge table he’s adored from the first minute he walked into the room.

“I’m six today.”

“I know sweetie.”

“Then why aren’t you with us and daddy downstairs.” It’s a heavy question – but it’s her right to know.

“Sometimes sweetheart – occasions are for families. It’s your big day you shouldn’t be worrying where I am ok?”

“Na – ah. I don’t think so.” She moves so that her tiny legs are around him and she leans into him like she does when he holds her. “You’re family too – you love my daddy.” She whispers into his ear while tightening the hold over his neck. He wants to say no – he really does – but he can’t be the reason for her first broken heart.

He moves his arms so that he’s actually hugging her back now, and swivels around out of his chair to take her – and himself in essence – back to the party.

They pass Liam’s bedroom which happens to be on the same floor and he peaks inside. Liam’s there sat on the bed looking at something out of a box. He puts her down and tells her that he’s going to be down in just a minute, and as she starts making her way down the flight of stairs he makes his way to Li.

“Hey you.” He says walking in, making his way straight to the bed to sit beside him. Liam doesn’t even try to hide his box, actually hands him a set of around 10 pictures.

“It’s Zarah’s mum that.” He says pointing to a very pretty girl on a younger Liam’s left side. “I tend to feel her absence more when it’s her birthday.”

“You still love her?”

“No – no I really don’t anymore.” He whispers falling into Zayn’s side just like Karen had done before. “I used to – for the longest time I longed that she’d come back you know. Now – I’m just sorry she’s not getting the chance to see her little girl grow up and get to be just as proud of her as I am. I do what I do for her not having Azzi around for Zarah makes me feel like a horrible parent.

And that’s what does it for him. “Hey no stop that – you’re not giving yourself the credit. You’ve brought that little girl up and she’s so incredibly smart for her age, knows to ask just the right question at just the right time, knows what no means, knows which boundaries to cross and which to not touch. Azzi –” he says flicking at the picture, “could have been the most amazing girl ever – but when it came down to her family and her career she chose to dance instead of stepping up to the plate. She doesn’t even know her name. Liam, Zarah is yours you understand – yours and yours alone – and mine,” He adds, “maybe if you let me.”

He doesn’t think about it much, what he’s committing to – he’s trying to stop over thinking his words all that much – but he knows what he wants – and he wants to be there for them – for both of them.

“I want you too” Liam says as he goes to tear the pictures up. Zayn stops him though. “No don’t do that.” He say hurriedly moving his hand out to a side Liam can’t reach. “They’ll come a time when she’ll want to know who her mother is – don’t forget that.” Liam nods and sits up slightly to grab a pen and a paper clip from his bedside table, he turns that first picture around and writes _first holiday with Azura 2009._ Zayn doesn’t question him, just watches silently until Liam’s done. He slides the box back under the bed and lays his head back on Zayn’s chest.

For some reason – it feels like a new beginning – _for both of them._

_*_

A little later when all of her friends have cleared out and they’re sat in the kitchen waiting for dinner to cook, she asks him what children called daddy in his language. His eyebrows shoots up into his hair line a little as he looks at Liam who shrugs at him in a way of its fine tell her. _Baba_ comes out involuntarily but it’s all she needed, she’s immediately rolling the word over her tongue trying to get to grips with the pronunciation. He smiles and Liam comes up behind him, squeezing the tip of his shoulders with both of his hands and staying there, watching as the little girl in front of them rolls on the floor with her new puppy they picked out together for her. She’s laughing as she’s tickling her, the little puppy almost as giddy with joy.

It’s funny to think that barely six months back he was panicking about life and today he’s here.

Life has a funny way of making everything ok he’s been always told – and maybe for once – he believes it.

*

A week later they’ve cleared out of the hospital and settled permanently in Liam’s house again – he’s hiding his teary eyes as he hands over the keys one last time. He loves the place but he doesn’t let himself get too emotional about it however. His name is now plastered on a little plaque just under the nurse’s desk. It might always be his baby, so in turn he contacts LWT comics – one of the firms on the directors list which she handed him the day they moved out and in about a day he’s told to go down to the studio. He’s given the job on the spot and told to turn up for work in two weeks time until they clear out the unfortunate intern who apparently can’t lift a pencil without dropping it.

Louis Tomlinson – is a godsend.

*

Later – when he’s told Liam about his new job he finds himself being lifted off his feet and cascaded against the nearest wall. Today he doesn’t stop him however – let’s Liam partially undress him before saying anything about moving this to the bedroom.

Liam’s eyes light up with the possibility of what it means. He nods his head and leans down to kiss him, his hands finding Liam’s tie and top button to undo them. Liam’s giggling into his ear as he’s carrying him up the stairs, bumping into the sofa on the landing nearly falling into it, finally making it through to the second set of stairs while Zayn’s kissing at his neck for the life of him. They laugh as Liam’s knees hit the bed and they fall on top of it. Liam’s arms going up to rest next to his head immediately before kissing him with this firy passion Zayn adores so much. As he’s closing his eyes to just drink the experience of it all, he feels Liam flipping them over so that Zayn’s on top. He’s about to question him but then Liam’s whispering they’re doing it this way first. His hands find Zayn’s belt buckle and his world goes white with pressure. Zayn’s controlling his impulses for the most part. While he’s not engaged in this before – he’s not exactly daft on the topic either. So he takes charge, holding down Liam’s hand over his head as he undoes the rest of his buttons with his free hand. Like always – Liam just let’s him – like always.

He leans into him, taking his time to just kiss him, his aim was to keep it brief but he can’t help himself when Liam’s pressing him further into his thighs and leaning down to suck at his collarbone. It’s when Liam takes the opportunity to lean over and take out lube and condoms. He’s about to stiffen but then Liam’s slowly laying him down taking off the rest of his clothes, before stripping Zayn. He starts kissing up the inside of his thighs – places where he’s not really let Liam see until now – they’re are more scars there, ones he’s not proud of, but Liam doesn’t say anything, just takes Zayn’s head into his mouth slowly, licking down his entire length like his life depended on this very moment. It’s neither sloppy or juvenile in manner – one thing that makes him keen so hard he’s pretty amazed he’s not come from just that one thought. This – it’s a new sensation for him – which Liam fully knows of. It’s like stripping him down to his very core, exposing every little secret he could have, baring his soul – to someone that very much held his heart in his hands.

Liam’s then suddenly pressing kisses upward. Up over his tummy all the way till he makes it to Zayn’s mouth, then he’s whispering,

“Let me take care of you today Z, for once.” He’s far too overwhelmed to reply properly, just nodding his head slightly before bringing his arm to cover his eyes – it’s too much to handle – so many points on his body Liam knows too well already due to the times Liam surprises him gently as he lays him down to kiss at his skin like it’s he’s trying to prove to him how much he’s worth it.

Liam’s retreated now –  all the pressure is gone completely – but as he’s about to ask questions he feels cold lube going down the length of his dick before a condom being rolled on.

Now he understands what Liam meant when he said they’re doing it this way first.

He opens his eyes slightly; the darkness of the room doesn’t help him – seeing he just wants to _see_ Liam. He reaches out and presses on the lampshade, suddenly Liam’s flushed face comes into view, he looks wreaked – and so fucking fit that he can’t help himself. He leans up on his elbows to steal a kiss of his now very pink lips.

He smiles at him as he grabs Liam’s hips, this time flipping them over one last time. He moves downward, spreading his thighs apart and leaning down past his balls to lick at his pink hole. Liam mewls and grabs for his hair, tightening the hold on it as Zayn digs in deeper. Liam smells unsurprisingly of _man_ mixed together with that ever present smell of peaches. He thinks he’s in love. Slowly he gets two fingers inside of him – it’s when Liam’s whining at him to get a move on. He grabs the lube again and spreads it over himself. Slowly he pushes himself up to Liam’s hole but doesn’t make a move.

“Are you sure?” It’s strong, coming to think of the state he’s in.

Liam snaps out of his lull and slowly says, “What?”

“Are you sure?”

“Holy shit Zayn – why wouldn’t I be sure? _And why ask now?_ He’s whining practically, mewling over words that can’t come out so he gives up, takes Zayn by the hip and pushes him down back into the bed. Liam takes the liberty of sitting down on his cock.

“I have no idea – ” He starts slowly – “ Why you’d ask such a question now.” He comes down so that their noses are touching now, Liam’s almost growling as he starts grinding further into him, He suddenly can’t think too overwhelmed by the tightness that surrounds his dick – questioning if it will always feel that good.

He doesn’t reply – just finds Liam’s hip bones with his thumbs and puts pressure on them. Liam moans with pleasure giving him the opportunity to push up onto his knees again, gently landing Liam’s head on the pillow as he leans down to leave marks down his neck.

He takes it slow – after all they aren’t running after the clock – angles himself in a way that he’s hitting Liam’s prostate every time – marvelling at the way Liam moves underneath him. His fingers find Liam’s who’s gripping at them – almost holding on to dear life – and he can’t help but smile. He’s fully aware it’s not the right time – but he’s finally found his forever – its right there. This man with his eyes scrunched up, his face so red it looks like it’s exploding, with his damp hair falling over his forehead because it had grown out over the months and his teeth digging into his bottom lip to not moan out so loud in case they wake up Zarah.

He can see this - for the rest of his life – and that’s what gets him – what’s making him come so hard his world goes black for a few moments. He feels Liam’s come before he sees it. It’s hitting at his shoulders and chin but he’s too exhausted for now to attempt to open his eyes. He leans into Liam again, chastely kissing somewhere between his lips and chin and sighs – happily.

_He’s finally happy and content._

They stay like that in silence for a few moments – before slowly opening his eyes. Liam’s already looking at him – with this new look – something in between contentment and desire – and he already loves it.

He reaches down to close the gap that separates their mouths. It’s not heated now like before – he hopes this bubble they created around them doesn’t ever burst.

When he pulls out it’s only because they both desperately need a shower. He laughs around a bad joke as he takes off his condom and discards it in the nearest bin.

Liam’s sitting up and dragging him into the ensuite while laughing hysterically like that was the greatest sex he’s ever had.

“That was amazing.” Liam whispers letting the shower head strip away any evidence of what they’ve just done.

Zayn’s eyes find the floor, yeah – but he nearly ruined it.

“You’re over thinking again aren’t you. I can just about feel it.” Liam says kissing his cheek. “Stop.”

“But I nearly ruined it.”

“You did no such thing. Zayn –”He takes hold of his head with both hands and tilts it up – making it so he’s gotta look at him. Liam smirks, “first off don’t pout like that.” He says as he leans in further, “secondly – it’s your nature to question things – that was perfect ok, just believe that.”

“I love you.” It’s out before he can hold his tongue, his teeth automatically biting down on his lips – he shouldn’t have said that.

“Say that again.” Liam’s saying however. “Say that again and never stop saying it.”

“Are you sure?”

“How sure are you that I love Zarah?”

“Very.”

“It’s the same for you, now shut up and kiss me into tomorrow morning.”

“I love you.” He says again this time with more confidence.

All Liam does is find his thighs and picks him up – his lips finding his as he’s pushed against the tiles of the shower.

He wouldn’t dare change a thing.

*

They wake up late the next day – it’s a Sunday so it really doesn’t matter seeing it’s Liam’s day off. It’s a very intense weird feeling to wake up next to a man and call him your lover. It’s gone from a very close friendship, roommates really to a relationship so fast he didn’t have time to catch his breath yet, but like this, tucked beneath Liam’s arms – it feels so _right_ that he refuses to question what it all may mean.

He can hear Zarah jumping up the stairs so he quickly gets up to put some sweatpants on, throwing a pair at Liam, who up to this point was on his phone catching up with the morning newspaper. It’s funny to think that barely 12 hours ago they were making love and now their lives just resumed – resumed _together_ and nothing seemed out of place or awkward.

Li looks up and smiles, bunching up his pair and rushing into the bathroom to put them on. He closes the door just as Zarah knocks on the door.

She doesn’t really wait for an answer – she just walks in, but at least she knows that it’s the polite thing to do.

“Hey baby girl.” He says waving at her to come closer. She does come – bumbling forward with her little puppy like she’s not put her down for a second. As she reaches the bed he lifts her up and she settles.

“I called her Lucky – because she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you – and Daddy says he’s very lucky to have found you and that you’re making his life happier.” He’s stunned that she didn’t get a fancy superhero name. He laughs and pulls her into his chest. She sets Lucky down on the bed – he half expects the dog to jump off and away – but instead climbs over Liam’s pillow and curls up. She’s a tiny pure bred Akita who in a couple of months will start growing into her impressive size. Before care he used to have a couple of dogs running around – but he’s missed this he realises – having that stability to bring one into his life – and he loves it.

He reaches down to kiss her forehead, and she cuddles up to him again, asking if he could start plaiting her hair before school in the morning. He agrees, and then she’s leaning up pressing kisses all over his face. She reminds me so much of Liam – it’s a little scary.

“So – do you mind me calling you Baba?” She asks as she grabs his right arm to touch his tattoos.

He smiles – he knows it’s a big issue for her and him. “It’s whatever you want baby girl, whatever you want.”

“I like it better than Zayn – Zayn is so..... Here is a man I don’t know, Baba is more, here is a man that loves my Daddy and my Daddy loves him, does that make sense?”

He bites his bottom lip and presses a kiss into her hair. “I get it baby; just make sure Daddy doesn’t mind ok?”

“Ok," she giggles looking up at him, " – now when you two come downstairs can you make me breakfast?”

“Of course my dear, chocolate pancakes or cereal?”

“PANCAKES!!” She practically screams, before she’s running off the bed and out the door. He loves her so damn much it’s ridiculous. When Liam comes out his swears he kisses his mouth off before he’s got Zayn on his back and they’re running down the stairs like idiots.

He thinks – this is happiness – it’s fallen into his lap so suddenly it all feels too new right now – but it’s all worth it – because the man that’s him up right now _is_ worth throwing out his moral code and saying fuck it – I have every right to be loved.

That attitude is new – and he’s in love with himself for it.

*

July falls into August which turns into November in the blink of an eye. His life remains constant – almost sheltered now and he loves it. Zarah begged him to paint fairies like at the wing onto her bedroom wall. He obliged of course. Unlike every other girl her age – she bypassed Elsa it seemed for these little magical  beings that even he seems to adore. They had sat in and watched a Peter Pan rerun one rainy afternoon and since then it’s all she wants to hear and talk about.

After he turned up for work that first day – he found out he had a lot in common with his new boss, Louis Tomlinson – and he was soon introducing him to Liam and they started meeting up regularly out of work. It was a change – it went from just being them two, to suddenly having a full circle of friends. He thinks – this is what it’s like to be in love with your job – it doesn’t actually feel like work. Louis kept him as an intern for a whole of 3 weeks. He offered him a permanent position on the condition he went back to school to earn his grades and eventually degree whilst still being at Louis’ studio at least 4 nights of the week.

He now takes classes at a nearby sixth form that is a feeder school into King’s College. That university has one of the best English Lit degree programs in the UK. Big aim to have – but fuck it it’s his life – he’s gonna live it.

It’s early – just after his prayers. He lays back in bed until the sun comes up now – no need to rush off to finish this that or the other – and anyway – they’re opening the new hospital block today – he’s allowed to be in a good mood. He’s not big on gatherings – especially seeing they’ve asked him to make a tiny speech, alongside Liam and a few other key people that lead the project. He’s lying on his tummy, his eyes shut – trying to remember who the people to thank are and who’s been the most helpful.

 It’s when he feels kisses being pressed into his lower back. Automatically he arches up, the knowledge it’s Liam tingles his bones – he’s still in love with these tiny touches of his, that’s not too say he doesn’t give them right back. He’s figured out – that sometimes – when it’s been a particularly hard day for Liam in surgery he comes back exhausted and in need to some affection in any form of reassurance. Like he now knows Liam simply adores kisses below his chin, loves it when Zayn sucks on his birthmark, but what Zayn really loves is when Liam lets him hold him. When Zayn’s pressing kisses into his hair and rocking back and forth trying to lull him off to sleep – trying to make him forget that he was slicing his way through a child’s skull that morning.

“It’s your big day today.” Liam says the excitement in his voice palpable. He’s still dropping feathery kisses over his spine, coming up over him completely as he lays his head down next to Zayn’s on the pillow. They’re close enough to feel Liam breathing, he reaches forward to close the gap and slowly he’s turning so that he’s finally cupping Liam’s head with both hands to kiss him properly.

The sex now – it’s changed. While it’s still always very slow – sometimes they switch it up. That one time when Zayn practically begged for Liam, he was stunned at how much more in love he could fall. Especially when Liam was stretching him out wide, making him take 4 fingers before moving his dick anywhere near him. How remarkably patient Liam was with him at the first feeling of being open, nearly split in two. How understanding he was when he grabbed hold of Liam’s head and slammed his lips against his and how fast he made him move when all he could think about was how he wanted this for the rest of his life.

“Fuck me.” He growls. His teeth grabbing onto Liam’s bottom lip as his hands now find Liam’s joggers. Without any warning he pulls it and his boxers down in one go, it gets Liam pulling back laughing, whispering out a hushed out _begging for it that much huh_. He’d usually get embarrassed, hide his head between his arm and refuses to look up, but today – “Yes – and if you don’t get on with it I’ll get up and ride you myself.”

“Feisty.” Liam comments, “Jesus there are new sides to you every day I swear.” He giggles, “Less talking, more fucking.” He gets out, his last proper sentence before Liam’s swallowing him whole. This time, he’s quick and sloppy with it, just because they’ve probably ran out of lube. He goes to check anyway, flicking a condom at Liam’s head, pulling up a rough sounding laugh out of him before opening up the drawer up further because he was certain he’d only bought one last week. He’s right – he finds half a bottle and throws it at Liam as well who quickly gets to work on the prep just like he’s asked. He widens his legs further to allow Liam access. He’s not so caught up with the way he looks anymore. He knows Liam knows, there isn’t anything to hide.

Soon enough Liam’s three fingers deep and Zayn’s begging for more. With them – it’s never been awkward – maybe a little clumsy until they got used to how the other works but as Liam’s pushing past the ring of muscle he knows Liam will start making him wither soon. Zayn’s quiet – takes Liam without any complain to the pain – never once tells Liam to stop or give him time – even if Liam does automatically anyway.

It’s fast today, and rough and Zayn knows he’s gonna have to find a shirt that covers up his marks because he can feel they’re going to be way too high on his neck already. He doesn’t really care though. They are off his boyfriend – not some dirty hooker off the street.

Liam’s got his dick in his hand and he’s moving it to his fast pace to the point Zayn can’t hold on much longer. He’s coming with a gentle Liam on his lips just as he hears Liam whisper out his name too. It’s a rarity when they come together – usually a sign for a good day ahead.

Liam lays there exhausted, gently kissing at his jaw, meaning he’s far too distracted to realise that he’s slowly pulled out and is tying up the condom all while still kissing him.

“I love us when we do that.” Liam’s whispering, his kisses not heated anymore.

He takes the time to drink Liam in – his brown eyes returning to their colour – they go black with want every time they hook up.

“I just love us.” He whispers before tilting up to kiss his nose. “Now come on – the press conference is taking place in like 4 hours.”

Liam laughs pulling back to allow him to sit up, “Since when did you become so vain.”

“I’m not – just gotta look good today.”

“Honey you look good any day of the week.” Liam teases as he gets off the bed. He feels a little butt slap which causes him a fit of giggles; he turns around to reiterate which only causes even more laughter as Liam starts tickling him.

He didn’t think he’d fall so easily for a man 10 years his senior but eh, _c’est la vie_.

And he’s loving it.

*

“At this point, I’d like to invite Zayn Malik – our only artist on this project to come up and share a few words.”

He’s shaking, his hands  going damp, he’s scared shitless – but Liam’s pushing him forward and Zarah’s clapping like crazy – so to hell with it.

He nods his head – a mark of respect for all the clapping and starts.

“When I got offered to do this project, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues that put me in a position where I was able to drop everything and turn up – here – to Great Ormands children hospital the next day. I took a lot of inspiration from the surrounding areas, that beautiful garden outside was one of them. I arrived here in 5 feet of snow – that was literally covering up its beauty – and that’s where I drew my first inspiration from. This new ward “He says, waving his hands out to gesture at the building. “ – it’s more than just a building for sick kids. It’s for kids who are passing through this major event in their lives. Where hope – a hope for change is all they have. It’s why this entire block is based around nature. Nature – my friends – doesn’t stop changing. It’s always a time where a new beginning is taking hold. Where even in their darkest days, they’ll look outside and the scenery is totally different from the day before and it will be different the day after. It’s why I decided to bring it inside. I want to give credit to Doctor William Payne – who took time off work to be here with me every single day I was here even if he didn’t have too – and his brilliant little girl who brought so much inspiration to me on a daily basis. From deciding what fairies go on the wall to what colour her dad’s office should be. You two showed me what it’s like to fall in love – with not just a place – but also people.” The crowd is cheering and the cameras are flashing – but he’s only got eyes for them. Liam’s looking at him like he’s just won the world and Zarah’s clapping so much he fears for Liam’s eyes. “This project has been my springboard into the rest of my life. I can’t be more grateful. Thank you.”

Before he’s able to leave the stage he’s being handed a pair of scissors meaning he now has to walk round to the ribbon in front of the massive newly installed automatic door. – It’s when he decides to call her – lifting up his hand and uses his index finger to make her get it. She understands immediately, running up to him and slowly reaching out so he can lift her. He slowly hands over the scissors and on the count of three, along with the contractor and the director – the ribbon is cut.

*

_3 Years later_

“Zayn, Zayn for the love of God you have three hours.” It’s Louis screaming at him from the bottom of the stairs. He’s getting married today, _TODAY._

His head might explode from just the pure thought that it’s actually happening.

He’s outwardly calm though – has been since the moment he proposed to Liam.  The idea was to do it at the hospital – where all this started – but he ended up saying it in bed – post coital fucked out within of his life and just _happy_. Liam took to it though like a duck to water just about doing everything bar scream yes at him. He had got them matching black rings. He didn’t quite do fancy things – but to make up – he let Zarah choose their wedding bands – which was a bad idea of course seeing she picked the most expensive ones in the shop.

He didn’t mind though – not now – seeing he’s able to afford stuff now. He’s made sure to get them engraved with simply the day they met and the other’s initial in each ring. He loves the concept of it all. It’s only fair that he buys Zarah a bracelet that he’ll hand over that night – in private – where it’s then that just more personal.

“Zayn for the love of God.” Its Louis again, this time up in their room. Liam had spent the night with his parents, leaving Zarah with him for some unknown reason which meant they spent the night previous watching Harry Potter reruns till God knows what hour in the morning.

“Zarah wants you to fish tale her hair and she won’t put on her dress without it and you’re still in bed? Please come help me before a nine year old child drives me to insanity on the most important day of your life.”

He huffs, “Louis babe, the most important day of my life was meeting him – today is just the natural progression of things.”

“Yeah yeah  I know – get in the shower and save your speech for your vows.” Louis’ laughing into his words as he pulls Zayn up into a hug. “Proud of you.” He says sincerely for once and then Zayn just has to listen.

Around half an hour later, he’s showered he’s mostly dressed so he makes his way to Zarah – who he finds sitting on the floor in her tights playing some game on the ipad still waiting for her hair to be done up.

“Baby girl.” It’s his thing that – for some reason it’s the only endearment he’s really picked up – and she seems to adore it so it’s immediate now.

“Baba!” She says, rushing over to him and hugging him. He laughs and sits her down on one of the dining room chairs as he takes her impossibly thick hair and starts fishtailing it to side.

A year ago or so ago. Azura turned up at Liam’s parents house expecting them to let her fall into her old life with Liam  - her contract had terminated – and she figured she could just come back to naive little Liam who’d welcome her back into his life with open arms.

What she found was a vastly different reality.

She was quickly told that she wasn’t welcome. Abandoning a child is something most women wouldn’t consider. As far as they were concerned she had no right to see a child she hadn’t been around to take care of her entire life. Zarah was there when she visited. With no real knowledge of the situation – she had waltzed up to the front door to tell Azura that she had a daddy and a baba and she didn’t need anyone else in her life.

When Karen Payne retells the story now – it’s almost with a tinge of admiration in her voice – and he fully understands that.

“I’m becoming Malik today.” She says bring him out of his musings. “I see Daddy decided on a surname for you both then.”

“Aha – he says he likes the sound of Zarah Malik and Liam Malik.”

He bends to kiss her cheek and whisper, “I agree.”

“Now come on.”  He’s saying tying the end of the tail with a bauble, adjusting some pearl bobby pins to her braid before moving over to help her step into her light lilac bridesmaid dress.

It wasn’t a fussy wedding – neither big – but it’s everything and more he’ll ever need.

*

Later – when they’re being blessed by both a priest and an imam. The ceremony was kept short – just because of their inter faiths – but they still wanted a blessing and a proper send off. He was even allowed a nikkah – which to Zayn was the most important aspect. He didn’t care that the set up was Christian like – but when the progressive Imam said yes – it sent him over the moon.

“You’ve made me the happiest man.” Liam whispers lowly as he’s smiling down at Zayn. He takes his fingers in his and squeezes. Zayn just stands there half questioning how real all this actually is..

“The feeling’s mutual Mr Malik.” He smirks leaning in.

And that’s that.

*

At the reception hall he’s expecting something cheesy to go off. It’s a small wedding, a party of only around 50 guests. All close friends or Liam’s family are there. They  know most of them through work or simply because they knew Louis first but either way – he’s expecting them to do something embarrassing – and he can’t help but be a tad excited about it.

He isn’t wrong. Just as the desserts are served Louis stands up to make his best man’s speech. He’s clinging at his champagne flute with a spoon so that the talking quiets down.

“Around 3 years ago – around this time actually.” He starts looking pointedly towards him. “I get a call from this petrified sounding lad that was calling because his director gave him our number. I remembered that I was shown a set of murals and asked if I was willing to take on the artist that made them. With his mad skills – I would have been daft if I didn’t so even though he sounded scared – I asked him to bring in his entire portfolio in a day or so. He turns up shaking and all you could see for about twenty pages was Liam and Zarah – a face here, a hand there, Liam putting her to bed here. It’s when I knew even if replied _not exactly_ when I asked _.”_ Louis laughs as he uses air quotes, “I knew that he was gone for whoever this man was. I didn’t think that 3 years later we are sitting here at your wedding – and I’m your best man. Cheers – and congratulations to both of you – you’re far to disgusting to not be with each other. Love you.”

There are claps all round and then Louis’ coming up to hug both of them. Before long he sees Zarah being helped up t stand on the table nearest to the stage. She’s handed a mic – now he’s petrified Louis put her up to something horribly embarrassing. He grabs Liam’s hand to get his attention and they turn to look at her.

She’s tapping at the mic – waiting for everyone to calm down before she politely nods her head. Something only he would do.

“Hi everybody.” She starts – and everyone laughs either cooing or saying _hi Zarah_ back.

“Soooo, this is something I’ve been hiding from my daddy and my baba for about a month now.” At just that Liam’s hold over his hand tightens.

“Get in the middle both of you.” She orders and at that everybody starts laughing, those closest to them grabbing at them until they’re in the middle of their little gathering. It’s a small garden cafe – hidden in a quaint little street just off Tower Bridge. They set up their tables so that they’re able to dance in the middle even if he’d planned to not do any dancing he can’t help it when it’s their little girl up there.

“When Baba came into my life – I didn’t understand or realise what it meant. For me it just meant my Daddy was finally happy and that now I had someone else to tease about superheroes. Had someone else to tickle away or send in Lucky first – because neither of them can get mad at her the way they sometimes do with me. Last year they sat me down and showed me ten pictures of my mum – as they explained that we aren’t ever going to be like my friends. That in some cultures – including Baba’s own it wasn’t ok to love who you wanted to love. Some places around the world – men like my daddies were being killed or put in prison just because they loved another man not a woman.” He’s a little stunned. She’s nine for god’s sake – then again – google is her friend. She’s looking at them with this smirk – like the embarrassing part is s _till_ to come.

“I am very much blessed with two incredible fathers, that over the years – unlike the woman in the photograph they showed me that day – have been there – every single day since Zayn came into my life – he’s been there, gently encouraging – slowly teaching me furthering my knowledge especially in the subjects that regard to poetry and art. If I had to choose who my Daddy loved – I would pick Baba twice over every time. Actually like as Hassan says to Amir in The Kite Runner – Baba’s favourite book. It would be a thousand times over. Over these last few years – I’ve been collecting pictures of them when they’re lost in their own world and they think I’m not looking – here Mr and Mr Malik – my gift to you.”

And just like that – the lights go off and a projection screen comes on to the sound of You by Robin Stjernberg. His heart chocks up because he knows that Zarah knows that’s his favourite song on the planet. He’s too stunned to move even if it’s supposed to be dancing to it. The pictures – he’s never seen them before. They show them asleep, they show them kissing, cooking – even watching tv just together with a blanket over their legs and Lucky over their laps. Times when they had already put her to bed – or so they thought – and that one time they took her to Disney and she asked them to kiss right in front of the palace, he’s stunned – so utterly taken aback he’s frozen on the stop – but then Liam’s grabbing at his hands and twirling him around to the beat of the music – laughing manically as she finds her way in between them so that it’s turned into a three way dance.

“I think – ”Liam starts, “We have found ourselves a little gem.” He just leans in to press a kiss to Liam’s chapped bitten out lips – because honestly – did he really just notice.

Later just before they cut the cake he spots the proud happy tears coming out of mum’s eyes so he nudges Liam to tell him it’s time, give her something to actually cry about.

Liam grabs his left hand in a way that clinks their wedding bands together. Smiling – because now Liam’s ring is real – and not a fake like the one he had on when he first met him.

“Excuse me you guys,” Liam says loudly, stopping everyone mid dance or sentence again to pay attention to them.

“I guess,” He says, “after the show my daughter just gave it’s only fair to be more of a public fool.” Everyone‘s laughing, even mum, so he just tightens his hold over Liam’s fingers.

“When this man walked into my life,he terrified me.” Liam’s laughing around the words like he didn’t just insult his husband. If he didn’t know any better he’d be offended but he knows they’re more to come. “He terrified me because he was so perfect looking –and I knew that even without really knowing him – I wanted to please him – to cherish him and love him – even if he made it very hard to begin with – he was worth that. I was planning on proposing to him around a week after he did – he took my heart and my soul – and any sanity I had left. He stole not just my heart but also my little girl’s – who is just as part of him as she’s part of me.” He feels Zarah come up to them again – her hands going round his waist, people coo – for them it’s normal. “Tonight - as we’re all gathered here celebrating this great day – we wanted to announce that we received approval to adopt a mixed raced little boy named Zahir. He’ll be with us by the end of the year, and we couldn’t be happier.” There are literal screams, mum literally jumping out of her chair because she couldn’t get to them fast enough, falling over her hat that she had discarded on the floor in the process. She’s hugging both of them immediately while Geoff stays back until he gets the time to shake his hand before pulling both Liam and he into a hug.

He sighs happily as he lets go stepping back and grabbing onto Zarah’s hand and pulling her to sit on him, tugging at Liam’s fingers to get his attention back onto him.

“I love you.” He says moving in closer to just focus on them, creating a little bubble.

“I love you two.” She says kissing his cheek, then Liam’s.

“I love you three.” Liam says finally laughing, bringing his hand over his neck to pull him into a gentle slow kiss, that promised a life time.

And he finally comes to a resolve. Maybe – he didn’t have the best of beginnings, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a chance to change that.  To stand up and be counted, so say I’m here, listen to me – _I’m worth it._ Maybe for some people the journey is a little harder, with more potholes and downfalls than one might possibly imagine, but as he sits here on the biggest day of his entire life, he wonders, if maybe just maybe – God’s looking out for every single one of us no matter how much shit he throws at you – he’s still got a funny way of making everything fall into place just right.

 _Allahuakbar_ he thinks, _God is great._

_Here’s to a new beginning._

*


End file.
